The speech they’d rather their kids hear

Since there has been loud opposition to President Obama’s address to America’s students, I thought I would give them the antithesis of his speech so that they can read this to their children and deliver the exact opposite message.

Hello, how’s everyone doing today? We have students in all grades tuning in today, from little kindergarten kids whining and eating paste to surly teenagers drooling in their sleep and sniffing glue. Whatever it takes to get you through the jitters those first few days or weeks of a new school year. I know it can be tough. I hated school and did terrible and here I am today, President.

Today, I’m here to talk about something that has very little importance on your future, your education. Absolutely nothing is expected of you this year or ever.

I’ve talked a bit in the past about how teachers have no responsibilty to help you learn or strive to learn. They are just there to babysit you and make sure you don’t accidentally kill yourself or set fire to the house while your parents are working.

I’ve talked about how parents have no responsibility to help you stay on track and get your homework done. When they get home from work, they should just give you some fast food and let the t.v. babysit you until you fall asleep.

But even if they don’t do those things, it doesn’t matter, because you have no responsibility and you can blame everyone else if your life doesn’t work out how you thought it would.

None of you has anything you are good at.

None of you have anything to offer.

You don’t have to find anything you are good at or what you have to offer.

Even if you did, education doesn’t provide any ideas or assistance to you.

Maybe you could be a good writer, but you don’t have to write anything to find out. Just say you are. Maybe you can be a great inventor, but you don’t need to learn how to do it. Just put together some cardboard and some wires and make the next iPod. You could be a mayor or a senator or a President, you don’t need to learn anything. Just run for office. It will all work out just fine.

You don’t need an education to do anything. If you want to be a doctor, teacher or police officer, just show up. Bring some band-aids to a hospital and treat people, show up at school and just sit there or get a gun and catch some bad guys. It’s easy. No big whoop.

What you do or don’t do will have no impact on anyone else. You’re just one person and your actions won’t affect this country, anyone in it, or the future.

You don’t need knowledge and problem-solving skills, someone else can always solve your problems for you. You don’t need insight or critical thinking skills from history. History never repeats itself and those who don’t learn it are not doomed to repeat it. You don’t need creativity or ingenuity. America needs more dull lumps.

We don’t need you to develop your talents, skills or intellect to help us solve problems in the future. There are no problems in this country and there won’t be any ever again.

It’s easy to do well in school anyway. Challenges, although I am sure none of you have any, probably make any schoolwork you do have easier to complete. Getting into trouble is not only fun, it is easy to get out of. You don’t have to worry about downward spirals or hanging out with the wrong crowd. Nobody goes to prison. Not in this country.

Besides, everyone gets second chances just handed to them. If you don’t get a second chance, just make excuses. People, especially teachers and employers, are very forgiving. There are plenty of jobs out there for everyone and if you have a good excuse, you’ll have no problem convincing someone that you are smart and deserve a job or a second (or third or fourth) chance.

Ultimately, where you are now is where you will be for the rest of your life. Your destiny has been predetermined. You have no control over your future, Unless you become the next reality t.v. star (and we all will because everyone gets 15 minutes of fame), Michael Jordan or Jay-Z. By the way, careers in professional sports and entertainment are a dime a dozen. They hand out cash in Hollywood to people who just show up.

In conclusion, don’t make any goals for yourself. You know you are perfect and don’t need to work to be any better. Homework is for suckers and reading is lame. Don’t join any clubs or sports and your community already has enough volunteers so you don’t need to help out. Feel free to bully kids, because it does make you feel better. Oh, and since it is flu season, forget covering your mouth when you cough and sneeze and don’t wash your hands. Pass the germs along. Sick days are awesome. You get to stay on the couch in your pajamas and watch “The Price is Right.” If you want a good goal, that should be it right there. Stay home every day and watch daytime t.v.