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Talking pot behind closed commission doorsScene: The Fayette County Commission goes behind closed doors for an executive session devoted to “personnel matters.” Commission Chairman Jack Smith: “Robert, you’ve put me in a bad spot with this pot bust of yours.” Commissioner Robert Horgan: “Let me light up first. I need to mellow out. My nerves are shot.” Commissioner Eric Maxwell: “You are innocent until proven guilty, Robert. I’m an attorney, and I sue people. So, who do you want to sue for arresting such a peaceful, upstanding, law-abiding — uh, well, you know what I mean.” Commissioner Herb Frady: “Zzzzzzzzzzz.” Smith: “Wake up, Herb! This is serious.” Commissioner Lee Hearn: “This better not affect my West Fayette Parkway! I’m a road-builder, and we’re decades behind building my roads in Fayette County.” Smith: “Robert, people are saying you broke the ethics ordinance by toking while trucking. We’ve fired employees for doing what you did. You’ve put me in a bad spot.” Horgan: “This was a personal, private, non-official, off-duty, minding-my-own-business mistake. Why are you being mean to me? I’m just trying to stay level.” Maxwell: “You’re innocent, Robert! I can get you off with a nolo. I know some judges ...” Frady: “Zzzzzzzzzzz.” Hearn: “Wake up, Herb. Guys, we’ve got to move past this and condemn some more property and build some more roads to open up all that land some big developers are paying interest on. Guys, these developers are in a bad way. The banks are putting pressure on them. All that SPLOST money is pouring in, and we’ve got to spend it on something. We’ve got to do some more parkways and help them out. Forget this pot stuff.” Horgan: “Anybody got a light?” Smith: “Robert, I’m embarrassed by this mistake of yours. What are you going to do about it?” Horgan: “I’m going to mellow out and rebuild trust with my constituents. What are we paying these county deputies for anyway? Don’t they have better things to do than stop good, official people who are just driving down the road minding their own business in a company truck that’s just a few days late on renewing the tag? I mean, who doesn’t do that?” Maxwell: “I’m telling you, Robert. You can beat this. After all, lots of people believe pot should be legalized. There’s a few votes there. And all kinds of people are late on renewing their tags. You’ve already rebuilt trust with these folks.” Frady: “Zzzzzzzzzzz.” Hearn: “Wake up, Herb. As an experienced road-builder in both Fayette and Henry counties, I’m telling you that we are wasting valuable time. There’s prime paving season coming up. Spend that SPLOST! Build those parkways! Help those developers! After all, they helped us.” Smith: “Robert, you’ve got to screw up your courage and do the right thing about this. People are saying things about me. This has made me look bad.” Horgan: “Ethics, schmethics. What is my dealer going to think? I’ve brought heat on him. Where are I going to get product that good from here on? I mean, my gosh, the deputies might even arrest him!” Maxwell: “Robert, you have the right to remain silent. You didn’t snitch on your supplier, did you? That drug task force has plenty of pot to confiscate without harassing your small-business person who was after all only doing you a favor.” Horgan: “Yeah, and he’s been doing this for a long time, and he sure doesn’t need this publicity.” Smith: “Robert, you’ve got to do the right thing. For my sake. People are looking at me as if I’ve done something wrong. But all I’ve done is try to put this behind us and move on to the real business of the county.” Hearn: “Finally! Let’s build some roads! Let’s lay down some asphalt! I love the smell of asphalt in the morning! It’s the smell of ... developers’ contributions.” Smith: “All right. We’ve got to get back out in public. We’ve got an appeal from a county employee who’s about to be terminated for pot smoking.” Maxwell: “You’ve got to be kidding me. He has some nerve to appeal such an obvious firing offense. He knows the rules. He broke them. He’s got to go.” Frady: “(Snort, sputter.) Who’s got to go? Horgan’s a good man. We need more like him.” Hearn: “Shut up, Herb. We’re not talking about Robert. We’re talking about this doofus county employee who was stupid enough to get caught smoking pot. He’s got to go. Like a steamroller over hot pavement.” Smith: “After we uphold his firing, I’m receiving a plaque from my adoring public for my high ethical standards. Robert, I hope you won’t mind, but when they take my photograph, I’d rather you stand out of the picture.” [Commission prepares to exit the closed room and return to the public chamber.] Frady: “Zzzzzzzzzz.” All four: “Herb, wake up!” login to post comments | Cal Beverly's blog |