Not so happy Valentine’s Days

I’ve learned many life lessons during my 51-plus years on this spinning blue orb. Some have been easy to learn, some have been very difficult, and there are still a few I’ve yet to master. Knowing the perfect gift for Valentine’s Day is at the top of my “yet to be mastered” list.

To say that I’ve made mistakes about how I’ve celebrated this special day of love would be an understatement. I’ve made some colossal blunders that will live in infamy. To help save the rest of you Neanderthals out there (and your relationships) from going down in flames, I’ve listed but a few below.

Warning: do not try any of these, unless, of course, the object is to have your loving relationship terminated and all of your stuff returned — broken.

The first colossal blunder goes without saying – don’t forget V day. It doesn’t matter how the day first got started. Colonial chocolate makers were going broke until Bubba Valentine decided the 14th of February, the day after his wife’s birthday, would forever be known as THE day of love.

You guessed it; good old Bubba had forgotten his wife’s birthday again and was in danger of losing his Ye Olde Chocolate Shoppe. His wife was so delighted to have a whole day inspired by her husband’s love for her, she completely forgave him for forgetting her birthday. Or so I’ve been told.

The second colossal blunder is going to cost you – whatever you do don’t go cheap. Even if you must start saving now for next year’s V Day, do it. It’s just one day. If you think back on all the stuff you’ve bought over the last year for yourself, buying something really nice for the person you love isn’t really asking too much.

Unless, of course, you love that hunting equipment, new boat, or truck more than your special someone. If so, going cheap on a gift for V Day is the least of your worries.

The third most colossal blunder for V Day – whatever you do, don’t go out for dinner. By the time you get dressed, drive to the fancy restaurant only to find out you didn’t make the reservations you were supposed to, then wait two hours for a table next to the kitchen, you’re better off just staying home.

The fourth blunder? Don’t buy roses! Not only do they cost three times what they normally do, you should’ve been giving her roses all year long, not just on V Day.

A last word of warning to fellow Neanderthals out there, whether you are married or just dating the future better half: the following is the biggest blunder you can make, one that will never be forgotten as long as you both shall live.

Make no mistake about it: chocolate has no expiration date. One can do many things to ensure a happy marriage. Throwing out chocolate after Valentine’s Day because everyone in the house is supposed to be on a diet ain’t one of them.

So what is the perfect V Day gift to give your one true love? After years of trying, buying, and pleading for forgiveness when I do all the wrong things, I think I’ve finally got it right.

Even though we men are Neanderthals most of the time, for some reason our special someone wants to be with us. Show her how much you really love her. Take the day off and clean the house while she is gone, go shopping and cook her a special meal, and afterwards? Open a bottle of French bubbly. Then give her the biggest box of chocolate you can find. It would make Bubba proud.