Kisses of death (relatively speaking)

Michael Boylan's picture

Ahhh, the slow news days of December. A time to read about Hannah Montana’s march across the country, raunchy mannequins in a shopping mall, teddy bears named Muhammad and the return of Don Imus to the airwaves.

And this peach on today - “Why bad kissers don’t get to second base.”

That’s right, CNN is now writing articles that would appear to be more suited for Cosmo.

The article was based on a study recently published in “Evolutionary Psychology,” a scientific journal. I imagine that some of the other articles this month were “Which shoes will knock him head over (high) heels?” and “What your astrological sign says you’ll get for Christmas.”
The study found that bad kissing can doom a relationship. Wow, what a shocker. Most people don’t want to have their faces licked or choke on a tongue. Imagine that.

The study also stated that men kiss to get sexual access.

No duh.

I think this is what got me about this story and this study. It isn’t earth shattering news. In fact, it all seems quite obvious. This is like a study that says something like people prefer to dip their cookies in milk. This kissing study just seems like a no-brainer.

Study finds people prefer sunny days.

You don’t say.

Bad kissing can doom a relationship? Yes, because it’s bad. Bad breath can doom a relationship, as can bad attitudes, bad luck and bad credit.
The study found that 59 percent of men and 66 percent of women said they’ve been attracted to someone until they kissed the person. Again, doesn’t it seem very typical for people to be attracted to someone until they open their mouth, whether for a kiss or a conversation?

The study then goes on to state that men prefer tongue contact and open mouth kisses more than women and they place less importance on kissing as the relationship progresses. All you need to do is watch a re-run of “Everybody Loves Raymond” and you’d be able to come to the same conclusions.

Men prefer to control the remote. Men want women to be quiet during sporting events. Women prefer talking to chocolate.

These are the things that thousands of stand-up comedy routines are based on.

The article then closes with tips on improving kissing techniques, but that got me thinking about the study itself. I wonder if the professors got people together on a college campus and just had students swapping spit for days on end. Did they test people’s kissing abilities first? Who got to judge?

It kind of made me wish I was more scientifically minded and skilled. I’m not sure which side I’d be on - the good or the bad - but I would be willing to practice, all in the name of science.

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