Wednesday, October 9, 2002
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Wednesday, October 9, 2002 |
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Man's beauty tips for women By BILLY MURPHY In every magazine rack in every checkout lane in every grocery store in America, there is a Cosmopolitan, right now, that offers beauty tips for women. Beauty tips on a budget, Beauty tips to get a man. Beauty tips for people who are afraid to try beauty tips. These types of magazines fill the pages with incredibly perfect super models who say incredibly stupid things like, "I can eat all the ice cream I want and not gain an ounce," or, "I was too ugly to get a date in high school," or "Modeling really is a difficult job." These super model types have become the standard for looks. Have they become the standard for brains, too? Who would buy into this idea that all women should be as thin, tall, gravity-defying and cellulite-free? Women blame men for wanting this, but why would they trust us? Aren't we the ones who start wars, bathe only when we have to, and think we're all professional comedians because we can make a good orifice joke? Yet, men might be the answer in this equation. Let's reinvent the "Beauty Tip" world from the male point of view. Thus, I would like to offer the following: "Man Beauty Tips for Women." Here are some practical and logical tips that only a man could invent: Ladies, do you get tired morning after morning when having to put makeup on in the car, in traffic? For all your eye-highlighting needs, just try a Sharpee brand permanent marker. For weeks at a time, you'll look as glorious as Cleopatra, Queen of the Nile, and you'll be able to concentrate on the essentials of driving, like talking on the cell phone and eating your breakfast. Women, quit wasting money and time on expensive and tedious clippers, scissors and tweezers. There are just two words I can say to fix all your eyebrow-grooming problems: Weed Eater. Ladies, do you want soft hands AND the ability to fix squeaky hinges and stuck dresser drawers? Just use WD-40 as a hand cream. That's right, you'll be the hit at the next party with your supple hands and they'll especially love you for loosening the stuck olive jar. As a bonus, the distinctive aroma will allow you to never buy perfume again. Are you spending all your hard-earned cash on expensive shampoos, conditioners and treatments? You can get that same luster and sheen at no cost by just digging through your refrigerator. Mayonnaise, for instance, has all the emollient qualities of any Paul Mitchell product. For cleanup, you can just finish making that bologna sandwich your husband is barking for. And while you're in there, just get him to pour his beer on your head. I'm sure there are more tips from the man's perspective, but I just got hungry for a bologna sandwich and remembered a joke I need to tell a friend.
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