By Rick Ryckeley
Fayette County Fire & Emergency Services

The Wife told me the other day she was leaving me. As I caught my breath, she said, "Don't be a silly boy, I'll only be gone for six days. I'm going to see my mom and dad in West Virginia." The next morning after a hug and kiss, she left me and The Boy to fend for ourselves.

To save you husbands and future husbands a lot of grief, I have come up with a short list of tips of things to do and not to do when the wife's away.

Husband Tip #1: Doing laundry is more complicated than it seems. Laundry thrown on the floor will stay on the floor until you pick it up. The gentle and permanent press cycles on the washer are there for a reason they're not just optional equipment.

All colors in one load will not work. You must separate fuzzy towels from everything else, or you will get fuzzy on the everything else. Don't ask the friendly waitress at your favorite BBQ restaurant if she would mind doing your laundry while the wife is gone.

Husband Tip #2: Washing dishes is difficult and best left to the experts. If you don't wash the dishes in the sink before you put them in the dishwasher, they will not come out clean. Dishes really don't put themselves up.

No matter who tells you, those extra thick paper plates can't survive in the dish washer. If you run out of automatic dishwashing liquid, liquid hand soap or laundry detergent will not work. If you want to clean the kitchen floor, use liquid hand soap or laundry soap in the dishwasher. They don't do a good job cleaning dishes, but they sure do make lots of soap suds that clean the floor really well.

Husband Tip #3: Noxious fumes in the bathroom can indeed be poisonous. Mixing all the cleaning supplies together will not only clean the soap scum off the tub, but will also clean the skin right off your arm. The noxious fumes you create this time you really don't want to inhale.

Husband Tip #4: Finding items in the refrigerator can be tricky. If after opening the door and looking for five minutes you can't find what you need, you will have to resort to moving the items in the front out of the way. If you still can't find the item, repeat this process until you reach the back of the refrigerator.

If item is not there, then repeat the process for each shelf until you reach the bottom. If item still can't be found, try checking in the freezer. Adult beverages will not be found in the freezer. Special note: If at any point anything inside the refrigerator blinks at you, quickly close the door and carefully walk away. The last resort to finding the item would be a trip to the grocery store.

Husband Tip #5: If you make a list before you go to the grocery store, don't forget the list - or you'll have to go back and get it. The four major food groups aren't ice cream, cookies, chips, and dip. There is an area in most grocery stores you might not be familiar with called "The Fruit and Vegetable Section." Ask any grocery clerk and they'll be happy to show you where it is. Eggs are indeed fragile. Yes, you can put all of your eggs in one basket just be careful not to put anything else on top of them.

Husband Tip #6: In six days you can burn three batches of biscuits. Chicken will turn into rubber if cooked on high in the microwave for an hour. Metal still can't go into a microwave. Don't cook the whole box of rice for just two people. Peanut butter and jelly is not good for dinner two nights in a row. Watermelon can't be cooked on the grill. McDonald's is open for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

Husband Tip #7: If it were easy and fun, it would not be called housework. Clean the house the night before the wife comes back. Make sure all laundry is done and the trash is taken out.

Cook dinner and have it ready for her when she walks in. Treat her like a queen and maybe she'll never leave again. After she is recovered from her trip, if you're really nice, she'll get rid of that thing that blinked at you in the refrigerator.

[Rick Ryckeley is employed by the Fayette County Department of Fire and Emergency Services. He can be reached at saferick@bellsouth.net.]

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