Wednesday, November 28, 2001
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Wednesday, November 28, 2001 |
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How to make a grown man cry By BILLY MURPHY Over the years, the gray line dividing males and females has grown fainter and fainter. These days, women drive the big 4-wheel-drive SUVs and yell curses at the soccer game, while men are sitting in on teacher conferences and carrying Kroger Plus Cards on their key rings. There remains one barrier yet that keeps us man and woman: crying. It is OK for women to cry, but not for men (well, the men that aren't portrayed in sitcoms). We all know men cry, just very few will admit it. The male resistance to crying is still as intrinsic as not asking for directions or looking straight ahead in a public restroom. I only mention this subject, because the greatest "man-cry" movie ever will return this coming Sunday night. It is "Brian's Song." The original "Brian's Song" came to television in 1971 and starred a pre-Godfather James Caan and early-hunky Billy Dee Williams. I wept like a baby. The hard part about watching the greatest made-for-TV movie of all time is that in 1971, there were only three channels and one television per home. Thus, you had to watch the tear-jerking, football-themed movie in the full presence of your family. No one in my family dared look at each other during the final, "I love Brian Piccolo" speech. It was suddenly cold and flu season in the Murphy household. Is there any real value, though, in anything that can make a man sob like Richard Simmons on a field trip? Do you know some stone-faced alpha male that you would like to subvert and subdue emotionally? Here is a list of my dirtiest half-dozen ways to get any man to blubber: 1. Record the Home Shopping Network over his "Victoria Secrets Fashion Show" video. 2. Devise a mock phone call and end it by saying, "Yes, definitely, we are very interested in free dance lessons!" 3. Soak his favorite, worn, t-shirt in onion juice. 4. Tell him you read that ESPN is going bankrupt. 5. Write a fake note he will find that says, "Dear Mother, I understand your hard times, and yes, you can move in with us." 6. Next time he brags how he is still wearing the same size jeans as in high school, tell him he has to get his belly into the pants with no "overhang." The last time in history that male-crying was acceptable was during the age of the eunuch. It was acceptable for these gelded guys to weep openly, not because of the pain they endured, but because of the bitter irony of their occupation watching over harems. Coincidentally this was also the dawn of the "Age of Manufacturing," that is, men fabricating stories of their triumphs without any real evidence (or even equipment) to back it up. Over the years, ever-more-sensitive man has edged his way toward the consent to cry, but that concept has now come crashing down. Current events have shown the need again for men to be men. Sure, women are going to be men, too; we are about as likely to turn back the feminist tide as to go back to the Commodore 64. But, the world is again looking for heroes, and we do look oh so good in uniform. So, it might be harder to get your man to cry now than ever before. There is an easy way to tell, though. Give him the ultimate test this Sunday night and look in his eyes when Gayle Sayers utters those words, "I love Brian Piccolo and won't you love him too?" [Visit Billy Murphy on the Internet at http://www.ebilly.net.]
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