Wednesday, April 18, 2001
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Wednesday, April 18, 2001 |
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Health police: Fun is hazardous By BILLY MURPHY Everywhere you look today, you see the "Health Police." They are the guys who tell us what is wrong with what we eat. Who are "They" anyway? Is there a "Department of They" somewhere in Washington where all these experts get together and decide what is and isn't good for us? It is something I ponder while pressing leftover Easter candy into day-old Krispy Kreme doughnuts to be microwaved. The question, though, is not so much who the Health Police are, but what are they saying? As fast as a pat of butter can melt on your French fries, the Health Police can deliver the worst news. First, it was cholesterol. This demon chemical, they say, clogs arteries tighter than Spandex on a sumo wrestler. Then, they came back and said that there are two kinds of cholesterols. The street names they came up with must've been created by a whole other governmental department: good cholesterol and bad cholesterol. The good cholesterol they say, is good for you. The bad cholesterol they say, is bad for you. Hmm... how... scientific. Another duty of the Health Police includes ruining all our fun. Any of the foods that we typically like, such as candy, cookies, snacks, soft drinks, fast food (anything with actual flavor), etc., are banned by these experts. They seem to be the same interesting people that developed the pocket protector and those little arm covers on your Lazy Boy recliner. The game of deciding what foods are good and bad is always changing too. Popcorn was good for you. Now popcorn is bad for you. Butter was bad for you. Now, butter is good for you. Dairy Queen Blizzards were bad for you. Now, Dairy Queen Blizzards are still bad for you. It seems, though, there is so much conflict over what is good and bad that we can always find an expert to agree with our eating habits. About the only thing that all Health Police agree on is that Rosie O'Donnell does, definitely, cause indigestion. The horizon is unclear concerning which direction we should take concerning our personal eating habits. I expect, at any minute, to hear the news that my daily breakfast of four eggs, 12 strips of bacon and caramel/butterscotch pancakes will actually enhance my health and fitness. Well, I'll wait. I feel sorry for those people who change their eating habits overtime a new report is released. Their systems must be about as confused as a wrestling fan in a library. I am taking the path of moderation. At the movies, I am replacing my Goobers with Cracker Jacks. (I recently realized how they make Goobers they take peanuts to the back or top of the theater and roll them down the floor, under the seats; when they reach the bottom, they are Goobers.) I am trying to cut out soft drinks. I am trying to lay off the Cheez Whiz crepes. When it is all said and done though, it probably won't be our eating habits that get us. It will be our lack of exercise. That is why, right now, I am getting off this couch and walking to McDonald's. [Visit Billy Murphy on the Internet at http://ebilly.net.]
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