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Three ways to change churches At one time in our nation’s history, there was a great deal of denominational loyalty. If a person was born a Methodist or a Baptist, he or she tended to stay a Methodist or a Baptist and so did the children. That day is no more. Today, people change churches and denominations like they change their socks. A few weeks ago, I was at a denominational meeting and several of us were sitting around talking “clergy talk” and this subject came up. Although none of us were having people leave our churches, all of us had been in the ministry long enough (35 years for me) to see people come and to see people go. In my opinion, there are three ways to leave a church or a denomination. One way is wrong and destructive, another hurtful and cowardly, and the third honorable and proper. The wrong and destructive way is to leave angry, full of contention or in rebellion. Truthfully, in my experience, there are a fair number of people who seem to leave in this manner. It’s as though they have to trash their former church and its leadership so that they can feel good about themselves as they storm out. One man in a former church of mine left and loudly informed people that he was leaving because the pastor (yours truly) wasn’t “spiritual enough,” whatever that meant. A few weeks later, I was in a bookstore shopping for a Robert’s Rules of Order, for an upcoming business meeting when, out of the room in the back (the porno section of the otherwise nice bookstore), came my friend who left the church because I wasn’t “spiritual enough.” He saw me, turned beet-red, and stumbled all over himself trying to explain away the magazine in his hand. Often ministers who leave denominations will, likewise, sling rocks at their leadership, or policies, or fellow Christians. In their wake they leave people reeling and confused. Another way to leave is one that causes misunderstandings, hurt feelings, and guilt. This occurs when someone simply vacates without ever telling anybody anything. They were there and then they were not. When people call them, write letters, or try to find out if they are having problems, they avoid contact and never give a reason or attempt to bring closure. People in the church wonder if they have hurt or offended them, the pastor feels that in some way he may have failed them, and their best friends feel betrayed and hurt. While this method is not as destructive as the first, it still leaves an ache in the hearts of those left behind. Many are the people in whom I have invested countless hours and prayers (sometimes dollars), who left. I believed that a relationship had developed, when, suddenly, they were gone with no notice and left no reason. All pastors have experienced the deep hurt and disappointment that comes with such situations. Sometimes people suddenly move out of town or are transferred and don’t have much time to say their goodbyes. In this case, a phone call or letter after the move is complete allows for the relationships and good feelings to continue. The third method is to approach the pastor and explain why the person or family is leaving, express appreciation for the good accomplished in their life while they were attending the church, and ask for and receive the prayers and blessing of the leadership. Are there good and valid reasons to leave a church or denomination? Yes, and I will share about that in a future article. Some 11 or 12 years ago, a couple in the church I served at the time felt that the church was taking a new direction and they believed that, while the church should, perhaps, pursue that direction, it simply wasn’t for them. They had been loyal tithing members, active in many leadership roles, but they believed the time had come for them to worship elsewhere. We met, talked, and prayed, and I laid my hands on them and blessed and released them. They prospered in their new church home and we have remained friends to this day. I served in another denomination for some 19 years. When the time came for me to enter the ministry of my current denomination, I explained my reasons to my denominational officials, told them how formative they had been in my life, and asked for their prayers, blessing, and release. They graciously gave me all three and I have nothing but good memories and feelings about my nearly two decades with them. In my last pastorate, on my last Sunday with them, my wife and I prayed personally for every person in the church, over 400 people that day. At the end of the service, the leadership and the people prayed for us and blessed us. Our ministry there was thus at an end, but my prayers for that church and its people continue and I rejoice when they grow and build new buildings. Sometimes, it is not possible to get the blessing of the leadership, especially when that leadership has become corrupt or abusive. In that event, one must leave in peace and humility, trusting God for the future. As my bishop says, “It’s all about relationships.” And, as Jesus said, “By this all will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another” (John 13:35 KJV). login to post comments | Father David Epps's blog
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