Citizen to publish new specially censored "Bubble" edition

The Crime Dog's picture

In response to overwhelming demand, new Citizen editor Pollyanna Golightly announced today that The Citizen is unleashing a revamped edition of its formerly award-winning newspaper.

"The Bubble Special" will be published once weekly and feature a new slogan: "All the smoke we can blow up your ---."

Because so many names in the police blotter are riff raff from outside Fayette, The Bubble will not publish such filth to glorify their crime-loving ways.

Since Fayette has the lowest amount of crime in the metro area, there is no more need for any crime reporting at all, Golightly said.

"If we ignore it, it will simply go away," said the new editor, who busted reporter John Munford all the way down to Delivery Technician - Apprentice.

Instead of the irrelevant crime reports, The Bubble will print coloring pages and paper airplane cutouts in an effort to convert younger readers into newspaper loving kids.

And without the pesky Free Speech, The Bubble edition will have plenty of room to publish detailed sports results from each and every youth athletic league. To insure adequate coverage, The Bubble has put Michael Boylan on 12 hour shifts, back to back, and installed a cardiac defibrillator hooked directly to his chair. If he fails to write 1,000 words every 15 minutes, he risks a grisly death by electrocution.

With no more crime to report on, Ben Nelms has been reassigned to promotional duties, where he will jockey with other sign-holding crazies on the side of Fayette's highways to hawk "The Bubble," Golightly announced.

Former editor Cal Beverly has been knocked down to the weather beat and reassigned to the National Weather Service station in Peachtree City. If he fails to shape up and publish only happy weather, Golightly said, he will be assigned to the NWS unit in Alaska to provide 14-day advance weather reports to provide residents of The Bubble with utmost protection.

To replace the "old" Citizen news team, Golightly has contracted with Fayette UP With People for special coverage. The changes will provide the highly sanitized news that so many Bubbleites crave.

Coming SOON to a driveway near you!

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