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The Last Column This is the last newspaper column this year and perhaps the last column from me – ever. By the time you read this, I will have had shoulder surgery. Even though the doctor said it’s just a routine operation, it’s not his shoulder. He may have done a thousand of them, but for me this is my first one. So, if I’m not here next week, then you know what happened. My path to the operating table today began over 30 years ago while I was supposed to be attending classes at Auburn University. I say “supposed to” because if I had actually been in class that day, I wouldn’t have fallen 30 feet and having shoulder surgery today. I know it’s confusing, but have faith; it’ll all make sense by the end of this column. The medical experts have spent millions of dollars over the years to reach the surprising conclusion that the male brain doesn’t mature as quickly as the female brain. At least not until they reach age 25. No wonder I always thought the girls in school were smarter than me. They were. Heck, the medical community could’ve saved all that money on those studies just by asking any female — or my dad. The stupid stuff us four boys did while growing up would fill books — or at least a whole bunch of newspaper columns. In my defense, all I was trying to do was earn a little extra money for all those important school expenses that Dad decided not to pay for. Stuff like football games, dates, and the buy-ins for the weekend fraternity foosball tournaments. Because Dad wouldn’t pay and I had to work, one could say it was actually his fault that I was doing something stupid and fell. With that logic I really should’ve been a lawyer. According to Webster, the difference between being an amateur and a professional is getting paid for what you do. I can truthfully say that 30 years ago I was a professional idiot. I ask you, who in their right mind would try to get out of a straitjacket, while dangling upside down by a rope tied to their ankles some 30 feet above the ground? And all just to earn a hundred dollars for all those important college expenses. As outlandish as that sounds, that’s not the crazy part. Did I mention that the rope was on fire? The trick was to escape from the straitjacket, and then climb back up the rope before it burned through. This may sound dangerous, but I had spent the night before threading a 10,000-pound steel cable through the center of the rope. Unfortunately, my rope wasn’t long enough, so “my helpers” tied the end of it to a ski rope. See, I told you it was a really stupid thing to do. I guess at 19, the male brain is just about the size of a walnut. One long fall and some 30 years later, the painful giant bone spur that had its beginnings on that fateful day will finally be removed — and a good portion of my pride along with it. Thankfully, The Wife will be with me to nurse me back to health. She has the big brain. After two months or so, I should be back on my fire truck. Then maybe I can start to think about getting my hip fixed. If you think trying to escape from a straitjacket while dangling upside down from a rope was a stupid thing to try, then you’re gonna love how my hip got injured. But that is a story for next year. Have a happy and safe New Year. login to post comments | Rick Ryckeley's blog
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