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A Gentleman's Guide to Food Sampling I was at a natural foods store today where they had several stands of samples. The produce department offered grapes and apple slices. The bakery tempted customers with morsels of banana nut bread or fudge brownies. And then there were the cheese trays-—my favorite. There was a sharp cheddar, a cranberry white cheddar, a gruyere, some sort of cave aged Wisconsin variety and some others. Now, the understanding is that samples are provided not to satiate but merely to whet the appetite and encourage purchase. And so I am offended when I see people either returning for multiple samples or double and even triple dipping. Perhaps it is too much to suggest that this is actually immoral, but I do believe that it constitutes a broach of basic etiquette. With this in mind, I would like to offer a few guidelines for those true ladies and gentlemen who frequent these grocers. Both multiple trips and double dipping may be avoided if one knows how to employ the tools that are provided for selecting the samples. More often than not, cheese is to be removed from the plate by means of a small pair of tongs. If the cheese is cubed, is fairly moist, and relatively firm, it is possible to manipulate the tongs in such a way as to pick up as many as four, six or, on a good day, eight cubes in one pass. The instrument typically provided is crafted of a pliable stainless steel. Without attracting unwanted attention, it is possible first to spread the tongs for the widest possible reach. Place thumb and forefinger between the tongs and press outward, while gripping the end of the handle between remaining fingers and palm. Thrust the tongs into the cheese plate and draw cubes together into a line of four or more, or, better, a “bundle,” with cubes stacked towards the narrowing handle of the tongs. If this is successful, drop your harvest into the palm of your other hand, return tongs to sample plate, and move on to the next sample station. On your way, you may discreetly enjoy a veritable lunch of gourmet cheese. Repeat process at next stop. In some cases, you will find that the store has provided toothpicks in lieu of tongs. Being sure to distinguish the store of fresh toothpicks from those that have been discarded, select your tool and skewer your first cube. Then, deftly move to a neighboring cube and press the pick firmly. This forces the first cube upward on the pick, making way for the newcomer. This may be repeated two to four times, depending upon the size of both cubes and pick. The same procedure works reasonably well for grapes and other small or cut fruits. With practice, you should be able to lift three or four samples with a motion not noticeably different from that used to remove a lone sample. I suggest cupping the hand around the pick in a way that conceals the quantity lined up on your kabob. Some of the warehouse stores offer various samples in their food sections. My personal favorite, which seems always available, is Hot Caliente. The trouble here, though, is that these sample stations are manned, practically eliminating the techniques that I describe above. If you are shopping alone, you may have to resort to multiple trips, but the thing is to avoid the appearance of doing so. I find that most of the personnel at these stations are bored out of their minds and, unless you strike up a conversation with them, they pay little attention to the faces of the scavengers lining up for free samples. Thus, I suggest investing in an inexpensive reversible jacket, with strikingly different colors inside and out. After a first sample, this can easily be changed while in a different aisle, resulting in a different appearance at a second visit. Third visits may be possible if the jacket is removed and stowed in your cart, so as to present the attendant with the underlying shirt or blouse. For this third and final run at the samples, I find that it is best to wear a shirt that is, in some way, striking and different. A bright garment bearing the name of a sports team or rock band serves here. In this case, any glimmer of rising suspicion in the attendant’s mind will be dashed, as she thinks, “I’ve not seen this before.” Unfortunately, three trips seems to be the practical limit in these situations. I once attempted four at a local Costco store, and actually made eye contact with the employee, whose eyes seemed to register feint recognition. If you are shopping with others who do not particularly relish the samples that are offered, you may take advantage of your numbers in order to secure larger quantities of samples. After you have exhausted your own resources, you may send a spouse, friend or child to that same station to retrieve your morsel. If they are willing also to wear reversibles, etc., then it is possible to multiply your own samples by three times the number in your party. Of course, turnabout is fair play, and so you should be willing to reciprocate in the event that there are samples that they favor but you do not. Very small children in carts can be an advantage as well. Simply push the cart up to the sample station and request samples for both you and the child. As you withdraw, enjoy both samples. If the child is small enough, she will not realize that she has been swindled and made a pawn. In the event that she does take notice and presses the point, she is easily distracted by a wanted toy temporarily kept in the cart for such purposes. You can actually make a final repeat run at the station if you return with the child and ask, sheepishly, “May she have another?” This invariably works, as the attendants are willing to make exceptions for children. However, you have now drawn attention to your appearance and have thus exhausted all strategies for personal returns. I do hope this helps you as we move into the holiday season. This is a festive time of year with sausages, cheeses, crackers and dips made available at every turn. muddle's blog | login to post comments
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