Doofus No Longer - I’m A DINK

I’ve been called many things over the years, but until last weekend I’ve never been called a DINK. A doofus – yes. A DINK – no. And who placed this new label I now wear with pride on me?? It was none other than The Wife.

Now what exactly is a DINK, you might ask. Like me, many of you dear readers will be surprised that you are DINKs too, and if not now, you soon will be.

It’s not something you can study for. It’s not a degree achieved in college. No amount of money can buy your way into dinkdom. The only requirement to becoming a DINK is that you currently have, or one day will have, no children.

DINK means being part of a couple with double income and no kids. Personally, I’ve found that the “no kids” part is the most important thing about being a DINK. We’ve looked after The Boy for the last 22 years, and now he’s on his own off at school and has a good job. The purse strings have finally been cut. The Wife and I suddenly find that we finally have some disposable income we can spend on us and not The Boy.

It’s a radical concept that’s going to take some getting used to. Time to buy a big ticket item — something totally outrageous and expensive, something we’ll use just a few times, and then let it collect dust in the corner of the basement. Last weekend, The Wife and I bought a pair of state-of-the-art bikes.

No, not motorcycles. They make too much noise and wouldn’t be approved by our homeowners’ board. Instead we bought bikes that you pedal.

Just think of the gas we’ll save. The Wife was a little apprehensive; it had been over 30 years since she’d ridden a bike, but you couldn’t tell by the way she sped off across the parking lot during the test drive. Who knew that the one thing she never had as a child was a bike of her own? When you get your wife to giggle with glee, trust me, it’s a good day.

I only fell down once, but then again I used to be a doofus. When the guys at the bike shop stopped laughing, they not only sold us two new bikes with 21 speeds, matching bike helmets, shirts, shorts, and bike rack for the car, but they also gave us two free water bottles. What a deal! Oh, they also handed me a rule book about riding on the roads.

The only rule I need to remember is the one The Wife’s been telling me for the last 12 years. Whenever I get frustrated being behind a slow-moving bi-pedaler, she says, “Rick, you can’t hit someone on a bike. You have to share the road.”

Now I know what she means. Sharing the road is not pushing the biker over into the ditch. Though I consider the ditch to be part of the road – you’re still not supposed to do it. It’s one of those rules in that little rule book.

And for all those drivers out there that drive like I used to, please move over. Some of the ditches around our county are really deep.

So for the last two weeks, I’ve learned some interesting lessons about being a new bike owner. First, if you own a bike, you can pedal right past that long line of cars at the gas station waiting to fill up. I laughed at them as I filled up on Gatorade and air for the tires. Another lesson I learned was that filling up on too much Gatorade will turn a long country bike ride into a right painful event.

Even though you’re on a bike, you still have to stop at all stop signs and traffic lights. At least that’s what the police officer said when he pulled me over. He also asked if I had gotten a rule book when I bought my bike. I told him I must have misplaced it. He said if I stopped by the station, he’d gladly give me another one. Then he gave me a warning and told me to be careful. Lucky for me, he reads my column.

I’ve saved the most important lessons for last. When you fill up the free water bottle, it won’t help cool you off on your five-mile trek if you leave it next to the kitchen sink.

Halfway through an hour-long bike ride, it takes twice as long to pedal back as it did to pedal out. All roads are uphill on the way back home, or at least they seem to be.

And what is the most important thing to remember? While going down a really steep hill, you can throw up one arm and yell, “I’m the king of the world!”

Just be careful how long you yell or you’ll swallow a big fat bug and crash into the ditch.

Bikes & stop signs?

Submitted by daisyheadmaisy on Sat, 09/27/2008 - 8:46am.

Wow! I'm stunned to hear the police gave a warning for not stopping at a stop sign on a bike. Of all the years I've lived in Fayette County, I've never seen a bicyclist stop at a stop sign. They have ALWAYS flown right through it, as if it only applies to cars. And I'm talking about the colorful spandex, racer helmet, shoes, water bottle, wrap-around sunglass-wearing "serious" bicyclists. These are the same riders that when riding solo, still take up half of the lane and will not move over toward the right even a few inches when a vehicle is trying to pass them. I truly believe those bicyclists try to be a big pain in our *****, and they do an excellent job at it, too.

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daisy,

Submitted by Cyclist on Sat, 09/27/2008 - 8:55am.

Honestly, I would love for the local authorities to issue tickets to those that outright flaunt traffic laws. As for your passing scenario, are you saying that you can not pass because you are unable to do so safely by going into the other lane?
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Well Rick, welcome to the fold.

Submitted by Cyclist on Sat, 09/27/2008 - 7:37am.

Wear your helmet and be respectful to all other road users and you'll do OK. One other thing, if you haven't done so all ready, buy a rear view mirror preffereably one that mounts on to your helmet or glasses.
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Caution - The Surgeon General has determined that constant blogging is an addiction that can cause a sedentary life style.

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Noisy Motorcycle == Altered by Owner

Submitted by BlinkEm on Sat, 09/27/2008 - 6:52am.

I vehemently object to your prejudiced statement "No, not motorcycles. They make too much noise..."

New motorcycles are held to the same Government noise standards as cars. The motorcycle muffler comes with the expensive-to-obtain and required-by-law stamp that mufflers on new cars exhibit. Motorcycle manufactures must pay enormous fees to legally stamp their mufflers, certifying that the muffler meets the EPA's Noise Control Act of 1972.

If you hear a loud motorcycle, it's inconsiderate owner has modified it.

The American Motorcyclist's Association, and even people like Jay Leno oppose modification of the exhaust system to increase sound levels. I've been riding motorcycles for 43 years; every time I hear a loud motorcycle pass me, I hear my rights to ride being taken away.

Witness your bigoted homeowners’ board - "if one motorcycle is loud, all motorcycles are loud, and therefore all motorcycles must be banned." Instead of requiring the official EPA stamp, they ban motorcycles all together.

Welcome to America.

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