The card

It came in the mail one day as if by magic. I didn’t request it, didn’t fill out any forms, nor did anyone call conducting a phone survey during dinner. I just opened the mailbox, and there it was. In a red, white and blue envelope was a welcome letter congratulating me for making it to my golden years – and a shiny new AARP card with my name embossed on the front.

The letter stated that for just $25 a year I could immediately start enjoying the many benefits that membership provides. Wanting to enjoy benefits as much as the next guy, I mailed in the money. A week later I found out one of those so-called benefits. An avalanche of advertisements for arthritis medication to a coupon for an electric scooter showed up in my mailbox. And if I act right now, a timeshare in Florida could be mine. I called, but having a shiny new AARP card with my name embossed on the front wouldn’t get me a discount on the condo.

My new card didn’t get me a discount at the grocery store either. It seems that just being a card-carrying 50-year-old isn’t enough to warrant one. The store manager said I had to be 60 before I could enjoy the Wednesday discounts. Sixty! Heck, I‘ll never make it that long. Then again, that’s what I thought of 50 when I was 40, so maybe I might make it after all. Just in case, I’m saving that coupon for the electric scooter. Those things are really cool.

After filling up with gas, I pulled out the card and got no discount. Over at the giant hardware store with the orange roof, I pulled out the card again and still no discount. Instead I got something else — someone to load my truck. Not exactly what I was hoping for, but not to be outdone, I did do some of the lifting: I lifted my AARP card off the counter and placed it safely back into my wallet.

The guys at the local video store said no discount. It was the same at the veterinarian’s office, the local Irish pub, Starbucks, and power company. And when the ladies at the dentist stopped laughing, they also told me no. Discouraged that my shiny new AARP card really didn’t get me a discount on much of anything anywhere, The Wife decided to cheer me up. She suggested we take in a movie.

That’s when the card finally showed its worth. Flashing the card at the local theater got me a discount to see the new Batman movie last weekend. Yep, another 24 movies, and I’ll recoup that yearly fee. Unfortunately The Wife had to pay full price, even though she said she was with the old guy. The Wife, she’s very funny.

If you ask me, I think she’s just jealous I have one and she doesn’t. When I reminded her that she still has a long time to wait before she gets her own card, I received a peck on the check. For what, I don’t know, but I think I’m starting to see some of those benefits of having an AARP card.

Here’s an idea. The Boy was only in the school system for 12 years. All that time I paid school taxes. He graduated three years ago, but I continue to pay school taxes. He will have kids of his own one day, hopefully not anytime soon, and I’ll still be paying school taxes.

Now mind you, I’m not complaining, but I wonder. If I show those nice people down at the tax office a shiny new AARP card with my name embossed on the front, think they’ll give me a discount?

Me neither, but I’m gonna ask anyway.