Fried watermelon

I can testify that we in the South consume lots of strange things. Dad used to say that we eat every part of the pig except the squeak. Ears, tails, feet and snouts — it seems we have strong stomachs. Did I mention we eat those, too?

Pickled this and fried that, it’s amazing we all don’t weigh 500 pounds. It’s no wonder we lost the Civil War. If only we’d fed those Yankees more ham, grits, and lard biscuits, they’d have been too full to do all that marching, much less any fighting. The outcome would have been decidedly different, and they all would know what grits are.

Now there is one food Southerners don’t fry, and that’s watermelon. Sure, we may spike it every now and then, but for the most part, it’s actually healthy.

The rules of watermelon eating have been handed down within Southern families for decades, but their origins can be traced back to when Water P. Melon first introduced the seeds to the colonists.

We all know Thomas Jefferson, the gentleman farmer from Virginia, gave each new settler clippings from grape vines and instructed them on how to plant and cultivate the grapes. (Some of the finest wines I’ve tasted came from Virginia.) What’s not widely known is that after a successful watermelon harvest, Water P. Melon also taught the colonists the rules of eating the huge melon.

The first rule is to start off with the right melon. You can pick a round one, dark green in color, or the more popular green, striped, torpedo-shaped one. The round green one has ruby red meat full of the best spitting seeds this side of the Mason-Dixon Line, but it’s difficult to cut. With a pink meat, torpedo melons are easily cut into wedges, but the seeds won’t travel as far in a spitting contest.

Whichever one you choose, the next rule is perhaps the most important. The melon must be ice cold before cutting. Water dunked his melons half a day in a river for chilling. If you don’t have access to a river, three hours in a refrigerator will do nicely.

The next rule is how the melon should be cut. Torpedo melons can either be cut in half lengthwise or across the middle. Once cut in half, they’re cut in half again so you are left with only wedges. Round melons don’t lend themselves to wedge cutting. Round ones are cut in half, then every two inches cut again, and then in half. The resulting half circle of melon is easily handled by the smallest of hands.

This brings us to the next rule: how it should be eaten. Without exception, all melons should be eaten with salt. I know salt has been used as a preservative for meat, but it was used first to salt melons.

Next, unless you’re competing in an eating contest with your hands tied behind your back, melons should be eaten with a knife. Be careful, or you’ll know the origin of the expression “to speak with a forked tongue.” After salting, slice off a chunk, pick out the seeds with the knife and enjoy.

But if you’re practicing for the seed-spitting contest, you should follow the last rule: you must choose the right seeds. The seeds from the round, dark green melons are preferable because of their heavier weight and aerodynamic shape.

By following Water P. Melon’s simple rules, you will be assured of a win at every July 4th celebration and have one heck of a good time.

Fried watermelon? Hmmm ... now that’s something this Southern boy is going to look into.