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Sir and Ma’am I recently took a bit of flak for my article on “incivility.” A small part of my column on the subject included, “People who don’t say ‘please’ or ‘thank you’ or ‘sir’ or ‘ma’am.’” While no one objected to my insisting that saying “please” and “thank you” were marks of civility, there were those who felt that I had gone too far in including the terms “sir” and “ma’am.” One college professor told my wife that, when she moved from the West, she was insulted, at first, when Southern college students called her “ma’am.” Recently, a customer at the Atlanta Bread Company told me that her sister got into trouble at school for refusing to call the teacher “ma’am” when her family moved to the South years ago. Another lady wrote me and shared, “I was 35 when we moved from Boston to Seneca S.C., and quite attractive at the time. Can you imagine what being called “ma’am” did to my first encounter with Southern gentlemen and children? It was truly disconcerting.” One gentleman wrote, “Have you ever been outside the South? I’m sure you have, and that you must know that the South is the ONLY section of the country where those niceties are commonly used. We grew up in New England, and never heard anyone say them until we moved to Virginia soon after we married. “We never taught our children to use them, but since they were schooled in the South, they were taught to use them in school. It became second nature to them, and we were comfortable with it. I will match my manners to yours anytime, but regionalism differs in various regions, and I am insulted that you think we are ‘uncivilized.’” Well, it was not my intention to insult anyone or to disparage other regions but, contrary to modern usage, the terms “sir” and “ma’am” were once as common in the United States as “please” and “thank you.” “Ma’am” is short for “Madame,” which is derived from the French and literally signifies, “my Lady.” “Sir,” which is derived from Middle French, comes from “messier,” which means “my Lord.” The English, of course, used the word “Sir” for knights, as in Sir Lancelot. In England, in ye olden days, if I correctly recall, “Sir” and “Lady” were terms reserved for those of a higher status. In Early America, however, men and women were commonly referred to by one another using these two terms. In America, in theory, everyone was equal. In America, everybody was a “sir” or a “lady.” One European, in fact, was aghast that during his trip to America he observed that common people regularly referred to one another with those terms. In America, it seemed, even those of ignoble birth were deserving of respect and dignity, hence the use of the terms. If one reads the writings of educated people from the early years of our country onward through the nineteenth century, one discovers that, in all of America, not just in the South, “sir” and “ma’am” were common terms of civility used both in private and in public. Where and when that part of the American culture first began to decline and disintegrate, I cannot say. When I visited Kenya and Uganda in 1998, I tried to learn what the gestures and words of respect were appropriate so that I would not come across as another “ugly American.” I wanted to be seen as respectful toward the Kenyan and Ugandan people. Not one of them took offense that I desired, according to the terms of their own culture, to treat them with dignity. If “sir” and “ma’am” are terms used only in the South today, then I am proud that Southerners have continued that long-held American tradition, even when other regions of the country have let the terms pass quietly into history. So, when someone from the South calls you “sir” or “ma’am,” or refers to you as a “lady,” the intent is not to insult or embarrass. It is our attempt to accord you the respect and dignity that we believe you are due, regardless of who you are or from whence you came. We say “sir” and we say “ma’am,” and if you aren’t into that ... well, God bless you, anyway. [Father David Epps is the founding pastor of Christ the King Church, 4881 Hwy. 34 E., Sharpsburg, GA 30277, between Peachtree City and Newnan, and serves as a bishop to Georgia and Tennessee. Services are held Sundays at 8 and 10 a.m. Fr. Epps is also the vicar of Christ the King Church in Champaign, IL. He may be contacted at frepps@ctkcec.org. The church has a website at www.ctkcec.org.] login to post comments | Father David Epps's blog
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