To Be a Republican...

yardman5508's picture

To be a Republican you need to believe:

1. Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary Clinton.

2. Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's Daddy made war on him , a good guy when Cheney did business with him, and a bad guy when Bush needed a 'we can't find Bin Laden' diversion.

3. Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is Communist, but trade with China and Viet Nam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.

4. The United States should get out of the United Nations, and our highest national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iraq .

5. A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multinational drug corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without regulation.

6. The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches, while slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay.

7. If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex.

8. A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our longtime allies, then demand their cooperation and money.

9. Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy, but providing health care to all Americans is socialism. HMO's and insurance companies have the best interests of the public at heart.

10. Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools.

11. A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable offense, but a president lying to enlist support for a war in which tens of thousands die is solid defense policy.

12. Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet .

13. Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're a conservative radio host. Then it's an illness and you need our prayers for your recovery.

14. You support 'Executive Privilege' for every Republican ever born, who will be born or who might be born (in perpetuity.)

15. Support hunters who shoot their friends and blame them for wearing orange vests similar to those worn by the quail.

I can stand brute force, but brute reason is quite unbearable. It is hitting below the intellect.

Keep the Faith.

yardman5508's blog | login to post comments

Comment viewing options

Select your preferred way to display the comments and click "Save settings" to activate your changes.
Richard Hobbs's picture
Submitted by Richard Hobbs on Sun, 05/04/2008 - 1:28pm.

To Be a Democrat:
To be a Democrat you need to believe:

1. The Government loves you, and shares your joy in making that which is abnormal, sacrosanct. Oh, and you must love Hillary up until she attacks an incompetent and inexperience black man with good teeth.

2. Protecting our National interests over those of any dictator, is wrong. Keeping our promises to our allies, like Kuwait is unimportant. Any use of military action is unwarranted, unless you need to keep the news off your sexual escapades.

3. Trade with Cuba or any communist dictator is longed for, since they've got it all figured out, and we must not allow the ignorant masses to find freedom. Oh, but pander to the Cubans during campaigns, and ignore 4 Democratic Presidents to maintain a policy which you mock as being republican.

4. The United States should let the United Nations dictate whatever the want, as long as it doesn't mean doing anything with the military. Making meaningless resolutions and mandates is a good thing.

5. A woman can't be trusted to make a decision about not having unprotected sex, so she must be encouraged to have guiltless abortions as a means of birth control.

6. The best way to improve military morale is support Code Pink and mock injured and dying soldiers in protests outside of their hospitals.

7. Any conditions restricting sex should be waived. Children should learn about their own bodies as nature calls them to. Besides, female children can get abortions without the consent of their parent, but don't you dare make her feel guilty for doing it.

8. A good way to fight terrorism is waive a white flag and to allow them to bring their fight to our American shores, rather than in the deserts of Iraq.

9. Nationalized Healthcare is Socialism, but don't tell anyone, we believe in politics by incrementalism.

10. Global warming, . . we mean, Climate change, . . we mean, Climate Cooling... crap, whatever we are calling it today, should be our primary concern over all others or we will all be dead in 10 years. Don't question the science, we are the Government, we know what is important. To Question our intellect is to be in the bed with corporations.

11. A president lying about sex with a young and starry eyed employee and then lying about it under oath, to the American People is none of our damn business. Blaming a President for believe the information obtained by our own Government and that everyone agreed was reliable, is par for the course, unless the President has a D in front of his name.

12. Government should expand its power to control every aspect of our lives. We are not a Government of the People, We are a people of The GOVERNMENT.

13. Mocking the success of conservative talk radio is all that we can do, because in the arena of ideas, liberal talk shows can't hold up to the scrutiny. Thats why we need the Government to control talk radio as soon as we get the power to censure it.

14. We fight against the President's line item veto, because our Congressman need to buy as many votes with the money they take from others. A president that could control the budget would weaken our political power, and help resolve the spending crisis we have in Washington.

15. Take responsibility for creating the internet, then when discovered, find some other issue to take on, such as Global Warming, and start crying that the sky is falling. Then smash anyone's freedom of speech who might question your very weak theories.

Keep the faith in Karl Marx, Joseph Stalin and other great socialists of our time.


AF A-10's picture
Submitted by AF A-10 on Sun, 05/04/2008 - 7:48pm.

"....an incompetent and inexperience black man with good teeth."

If you are going to call a fellow lawyer with a degree from a mighty fine institution "incompetent," you probably want to make sure the critical sentence is error free. Otherwise, liberals will laugh at the critique.

I don't know what you look like so I couldn't begin to spot you at the car show. What a great cause you serve though! And that's what life is really all about!

Nice work,

Kevin "Hack" King
(anyone want two dogs???)


AF A-10's picture
Submitted by AF A-10 on Sun, 05/04/2008 - 8:04pm.

I've got to mention "to be a democrat" point #2:

"2. Protecting our National interests over those of any dictator, is wrong. Keeping our promises to our allies, like Kuwait is unimportant. Any use of military action is unwarranted, unless you need to keep the news off your sexual escapades."

Funny you should mention Kuwait today. I'm pretty familiar with that part of the world. John McCain said, last week, that he would develop an energy policy that would prevent the U.S. from ever having to go to war in the Middle East again.

When correctly challenged on his insinuation that we went to war for energy (AKA oil, John's straight talk express got up in the marbles and slammed into the wall. John said, get this, that he was talking about Gulf War 1 in 1991. Senator Vitter's sexual escapades not withstanding, you are aware that we actually went to war in 1991 to liberate Kuwait from Iraq, which had invaded them months earlier. Now, I don't know about you, but I do not equate liberating a country from an occupying country is fighting for oil. Oddly enough, we are now the occupier. Maybe I'll ask Denise if we are the lessor or lessee. Smiling Too bad McCain doesn't carry Lieberman around everywhere to say, "Ummm, John? No. That war was a liberation. Yeah. No, you can't get a wacky pack right now. Yes, John, those are pretty little flowers. This way John. Over here."

Cheers mate,

Cheers,

Kevin "Hack" King
(anyone want two dogs???)


Richard Hobbs's picture
Submitted by Richard Hobbs on Sun, 05/04/2008 - 8:00pm.

Having a Harvard degree is very prestigious no doubt. It would have been interesting if he really used it, instead, he dived into that "community organizer" role immediately. Those wheels in his mind were turning, and he wanted to move up the ladder quickly. Where else would a black harvard grad most certainly excel, but in the low economic and educational demographics of South Chicago. Which troubles me, because that reminds me of pictures of Bill Clinton meeting JFK when he was 12 or so, and how you could just see it in his eyes, that no matter what he had to do, he would become President.

Well thats what Obama sounds like to me. An Orchestrated Candidate that has been manipulating his resume and career to get exactly where he is today.

He is not competent to be the President at this time in his resume.

For another very good example of where Obama is heading, you need only look at the mess that is happening with another young, dynamic, Harvard trained black attorney. Governor Patrick of Mass is in way over his head and his negative polling is dipping down to Bushian levels.

At least this guy was smart enough to realize that he should try governing a State before he tried to grasp the golden ring called the White House.

As to locating me, next time look for the fat, ugly, old white guy, and there I will be.


Submitted by lion on Sun, 05/04/2008 - 9:08pm.

A Harvard degree does not guarantee wisdom or success. But do you really think the ticket to success is working with the poor in South Chicago. Obama is such a devious man!! He should have taken his Ivy League degree and become a business failure like Bush and that way be qualified to be President.

It is time for a change.

AF A-10's picture
Submitted by AF A-10 on Sun, 05/04/2008 - 8:06pm.

I think Obama would have at least written "inexperienced."

Smiling

Kevin "Hack" King
(anyone want two dogs???)


River's picture
Submitted by River on Sun, 05/04/2008 - 8:23pm.

Several of my students who met Hack said he looked a little like Cuba Gooding Jr., only a little more serious.

Hack would never make it as a teacher. He would get "hit on" by the girls too often. Me, on the other hand, that's not a problem, since I'm older than most of their parents.


carbonunit52's picture
Submitted by carbonunit52 on Sun, 05/04/2008 - 2:22pm.

To Mr. Richard Hobbs,
Sir, with all the respect due to one of God’s children, I have to tell you that your logic is bogus, and a house of cards would pass the coastal building codes before any of this entry could pass for useable communication to a reasonably prudent person.


Cyclist's picture
Submitted by Cyclist on Sun, 05/04/2008 - 2:29pm.

an independent has views that are somewhere in the middle.

-------------------------------------------
Caution - The Surgeon General has determined that constant blogging is an addiction that can cause a sedentary life style.


River's picture
Submitted by River on Sun, 05/04/2008 - 3:06pm.

Cyclist, it looks like not only your political views, but most of your body mass is centered in the middle. Better get back on that bike!

Seriously, the weather has been perfect for biking. I got rid of my bike a couple of years ago, but I'm tempted to get another one. Do you ever utilize any of the golf cart paths, or do you stick to the roads?


Cyclist's picture
Submitted by Cyclist on Sun, 05/04/2008 - 4:58pm.

My body mass is centered in the middle and extends outward - greatly. Hack, hutch, Git, sniffles, penguin, and yard can tell you I'm not lying. The nice thing is, I can always make fun of myself and nobody can get upset about it. Smiling As for the fat, I prescribe to a theory borrowed from Thermodynamics; The First Law of "fat" says that "fat" under normal conditions cannot be created or destroyed. Someone looses it and someone gains it. Unfortunately, I'm on the receiving end. Part of the problem is that I'm addicted to this darn computer and especially this web site. I need to heed my own message board below about the Surgeon General.

As for the riding, I have ridden PTC path system. Mostly with my boys or their Cub/Boy Scout group. For the most part, it's fine for slow pace pleasure riding but, when you start "hitting the hammer" and getting up into the upper teens or lower twenties in speed then it gets a little hairy. The roads are a much better choice. Follow the rules of the road and be as predictable as possible and being visable are very important.

Very soon, I'll hit one year on this site and then it might be a good time to do something else with my time; like investing it on me.
-------------------------------------------
Caution - The Surgeon General has determined that constant blogging is an addiction that can cause a sedentary life style.


Main Stream's picture
Submitted by Main Stream on Sun, 05/04/2008 - 7:15pm.

Men get that "blogger's belly" but women are predisposed to "blogger's butt."

I've noticed a bit more mass in the derriere region, since blogging incessantly on here for the past 10 months and I am vactioning out west this summer, taking on mtn. biking, river rafting, horseback riding and above-timberline hiking with my kids....

I am doomed.

I've started to work out again and will have to leave this computer and blog alone. Is there a program for blog addiction?? Smiling


River's picture
Submitted by River on Sun, 05/04/2008 - 7:33pm.

Main Stream, I think you already have discovered it--getting outdoors and spending time doing stuff with your kids. That beats blogging, any day.

I do have one heart-felt piece of advice--take it slow and easy for the first few days, especially the biking and hiking. If you try to do too much too soon, you will be tooooo sore!! Maybe even injured. But it you take it real easy at first, it will come back to you.


carbonunit52's picture
Submitted by carbonunit52 on Sun, 05/04/2008 - 7:25pm.

I don't know. I have quit smoking, and quit drinking, but I am not so sure about this one.


River's picture
Submitted by River on Sun, 05/04/2008 - 6:38pm.

Especially these days. Well, I've had better luck keeping my waistline down, but my haircut looks suspiciously like Homer's, and sometimes I manage to sound like him as well.

If I get a bike again, it will be for the slow pleasure riding. One time about 20 years ago, I was riding a lot and in good shape, and I passed an older gentleman at the beginning of a two-mile straight stretch. I went wide open, as hard as I could, for two miles, then looked back to see how far back he was. He was RIGHT behind me! He said casually, "Not bad, you were averaging 22 mph". I was gasping for air, and he wasn't even breathing hard. Talk about a deflated ego!

Well, have a good night!


Cyclist's picture
Submitted by Cyclist on Sun, 05/04/2008 - 6:54pm.

Ah haircut!!! Mine is a reveres mohawk, thank you very much!!! As for the old guy, my father is 77 years old and usually rides 3,000+ miles a year. Of course, he's retired and does not spend a lot of time blogging. One day, I too will retire!!!!
-------------------------------------------
Caution - The Surgeon General has determined that constant blogging is an addiction that can cause a sedentary life style.


carbonunit52's picture
Submitted by carbonunit52 on Sun, 05/04/2008 - 6:53pm.

Don't be so hard on yourself. The older gentleman may have been a former world champion. Mostly, I like the slow pleasure riding on the cart paths and for a good workout, I go up Shake Rag hill. I am dreaming of the day when my chest is once again farther out than my middle.


yardman5508's picture
Submitted by yardman5508 on Sun, 05/04/2008 - 6:43pm.

probably riding a 'bent too. LOL Keep the faith.

Even a dead fish can go with the flow.


River's picture
Submitted by River on Sun, 05/04/2008 - 7:20pm.

Yardman, we think alike. Way back in the 70's, we used to have an annual Chattahoochee Raft Race, usually in May. For those of you not familiar with these races, most people went along to drink beer and have fun. Others were actually trying to race. On one of these races, I made the philosophical observation that the race was like a metaphor for life. Some people are "paddlers", but most people are "floaters", and just along for the ride. You see the same thing in any organization.

Most of the kids I teach are floaters. The hardest thing for a teacher to do is to make students see that they need to start paddling if they want to accomplish anything with their lives. Most of them don't realize that until their college years, if then.

I think I'll borrow your line the next time I give that speech.


Submitted by oldbeachbear on Sat, 05/03/2008 - 4:47pm.

that is so funny, and shows how far off the Republicans are.
thanks

carbonunit52's picture
Submitted by carbonunit52 on Sat, 05/03/2008 - 4:28pm.

I sended it to sum of me brane ded frends.


Main Stream's picture
Submitted by Main Stream on Sat, 05/03/2008 - 4:10pm.

thanks for posting this - it is soooooooo true!


Comment viewing options

Select your preferred way to display the comments and click "Save settings" to activate your changes.