Important announcement

Ladies and gentlemen, thank you, uh, thank… please, save your appl…ap….

Please, ladies and gentlemen, friends… Please… It’s not what you think. Plea…

OK, I’ll just wait. I have more to, uh, drink than you do… I can wait you out.

OK, dear friends, thank you for that tumultuous greeting. I know you think you are here to hear yet another declaration for the presidency of…let me finish…the presidency… of the…the presidency of the United….

All right, I’ll wait. Hmmm, hmmm. Birds fly over the rainbow, why then, oh why can’t I? Hmm.

OK, OK. Thank you again, my friends and fellow Americans. I’ve asked you to meet me here today to tell you that, contrary to the many rumors surrounding the 2008 elections, I am not going to be among them….

Among the candidates, I mean, not the rumors, although I think we have plenty of candidates, and a few of them do seem capable of marching to “Hail to the Chief.” Maybe “strutting” would be a better word, but I can do that too.

I’m old enough to do it, heaven knows, having begun to take interest in politics at a very early age. I stood less than three feet from Dwight David Eisenhower when he was campaigning at the capitol building in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania. That was about 1952…

And more recently, I was almost that close to…to…oh, to that other one, in Atlanta. I was a chaperone, and I think we were on Peachtree Street, although I don’t remember which class or teacher had brought me.

Oh, I recall now. It was Robert Dole who was a candidate in 1996. Seems to me I touched his hand, or maybe his sleeve… I’m sure he remembers. At least he has kept his virtue and embarrassed no one – except maybe people who are embarrassed by discussions of erectile dysfunction.

Frankly, I’m more concerned about electile dysfunction.

No, don’t beg me to stay in the race. You won’t? Oh, well, I thought that’s what you were saying. Anyhow, I won’t change my mind. I do most certainly want to do all I can to support the best candidate, and I can best do that by staying out of the pack.

I’ll tell you what I want from a candidate for the presidency: honesty. Just that, honesty. What is so difficult about being truthful, moral, loyal? Dependable, trustworthy? Sounds like a Boy Scout, and that’s a good thing.

What else do I want that a president can promise?

How about universal Internet service? You know, where you can go anywhere and flip open your laptop and check e-mail or continue a few lines of an overdue column. Seems like there was a candidate once who promised a chicken in every pot. Free universal Wi-Fi Internet connection can’t cost as much as that.

Seems like the world we were going to rescue for our kids is shaking apart. Astronauts in adult diapers. Senators who manage to get in trouble just using an airport rest room. Every day a new scandal or bimbo.

Thank heaven these would-be candidates are proving to be pretty clean. Maybe not squeaky-clean, but clean. So far.

Of course, there are still months until the primaries and finally, the election, are over. A lot of dirt can and probably will be flushed out. Most of it will be innuendo. You know, headlines with question marks: Huckabee employs undocumented alien? Thompson too lazy to be president? Columnist hides liaison with candidate? No statements, just suggestions.

That last has a grain of truth in it, by the way. I discovered that Ron Paul not only went to Gettysburg College, he was in my class, the Class of ’57. The annual reveals that he held elective office in several groups, but if I knew him, I sure don’t remember him now. I’ll bet he remembers me, though.

Hmm. Wonder if he’ll need a press secretary.

Enough woolgathering. Thank you for joining me on this historic occasion, ladies and gentlemen, and to quote the benediction of all presidential candidates and even non-candidates, God bless America.

Like God hasn’t already blessed America out of all proportion. Instead, thank God for blessing America.

It’s going to be a long year…

Funny

Submitted by ctkcec on Thu, 01/03/2008 - 3:27pm.

Sallie, now this is funny. And I am all for "universal wi-fi." Great column!
David Epps

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