First lesson of married life

After reading the title of this article, you might be expecting some thoughtful insight into a happy married life. Perhaps you think that after over six years of writing a weekly newspaper article, somehow I’ve been able to come up with some tidbit of knowledge that maybe you haven’t been able to grasp which will lead to marital bliss. Nope, sorry — I ain’t that good. But read on, it’s still a funny story. And like the other stories I write, it’s all true. Well, most of it anyway.

People remember their wedding day for different reasons: the vows, the music, the reception, all the relatives who attended, the food and gifts, or the trip to the honeymoon cottage. Well, I remember all of that stuff and something else — my first lesson of married life.

As we turned to walk down the aisle of the church, arm in arm, The Wife pulled me close and whispered sweetly in my ear, “Honey, not so fast ... slow down. I want to enjoy this.”

First lesson: You don’t rush The Wife.

Target. It’s a bad place to go for someone who hasn’t quite learned the lesson of not rushing. We went to Target right after we got back from our honeymoon to exchange some gifts. Much to my surprise, you really don’t need five toasters.

When we entered the store, I knew I was in trouble. Fellow Neanderthals out there, prepare for a shock and be forewarned if you accompany your better half to Target. There wasn’t a power tool or forklift in sight anywhere.

My eyes glazed over as we walked down aisle after aisle of girl stuff. There were drapes, curtains with lace outlines, and knickknacks of all different shapes and sizes. We meandered down aisles of bed sheets, comforters with ruffles, soft fluffy pillows, square pillows and dust ruffles. Just why dust needs ruffles I was never able to ascertain. I had a more pressing question to ask my bride.

When I asked her about all of the pillows that somehow sprang into our cart, The Wife answered simply, “These pillows aren’t for sleeping; they’re just for looks. You take them off the bed when you want to go to sleep.” And to think, all of my single life I thought pillows on the bed were used for sleeping — how Neanderthalic of me. But my learning experience at Target was only just beginning.

Perfume wafted from every shelf in the store. I saw more stuff colored pink than I ever imagined: pink handbags, pink pillows, pink pants, and cute little pink pumps. (Fellow Neanderthals, pumps are really shoes. The stores call them pumps so they can charge an extra $50 for them.)

Target even had not one but three display counters of just make-up and lipstick. Fourteen shades of pink lipstick, no less. Pink lipstick — a must have for any pink purse.

After trying on the pink lipstick and finding it not to be my color, I was pulled towards a rack filled with an assortment of duvets. And yes, some were even pink. Don’t ask me what a duvet is. I still don’t know. We bought two.

Somewhere around aisle 21 I mumbled, “There aren't even any power tools in here ... this is just a girlie store. That’s when The Wife came around the corner wearing a lopsided grin and pushing a new vacuum cleaner. The smile in her eyes made a kaleidoscope of colors that were impossible to defend against. Readers Note: vacuum cleaners are not power tools. Although if you go to Target, your wife will tell you that they are and trick you into buying one. Not that we did, mind you.

After two hours we finally left Target with our shopping cart full of pink stuff and a small store credit. The Wife said she’d return later when she wasn’t so rushed. My guess was to buy the vacuum cleaner.

Maybe she could first drop me off at the big hardware store with the orange roof so I could buy some real power tools. Now that’s a store I could spend hours and lots of money in. Too bad we didn’t get cash refunds for all of those toasters.

After eight years, I've learned many things about being married. You should give more than you take. Surprisingly enough, the laundry does not walk itself to the washing machine. At any given time, there should be a minimum of seven pillows on the bed — if you have to ask why, you’re not married. Nap time in the afternoon is not just for kids. The importance of coffee in the morning AND in the afternoon is greatly understated in today’s society. And short weekend trips once a month can do wonders for your love life.

But most importantly, I’ve learned that I’m indeed the king of the castle, the lord of my domain. But if I want to be able to get into the castle I have to be nice to the queen.

Things I’m still working on? Why it’s a good idea to tell someone when were out of toilet paper rather than letting them find out for themselves. Trying to understand what is NOT being spoken while hearing what actually is. And perhaps more significant, understanding the art of silence. That last one I’m still trying to master.

But I’ll never forget my first lesson of married life so many years ago. Never, under any circumstances, rush The Wife. Whether it’s walking down the aisle of a church or the aisle of a new Target, whatever you do — don’t rush. Unless, of course, it’s to go for moca-choca-latta-thingies. I didn’t get this old being slow and stupid, ya know.