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Real men get facials This one could possibly get me kicked out of the Men’s Club. At the very least it will certainly be the source of constant ribbing for years to come. The guys at the fire department will never let me live it down, but I’m not ashamed to admit it. A man gave me my first facial, and I loved it. I have an answer for all you guys out there who’ll beat your chest and profess, “Never, not me! No way would I ever get a facial. I’m a real man.” Good, that just means there’s more for me. Last year about this time I broke the story about my first pedicure and how the ladies of this county have kept this wonderful, relaxing secret to themselves. Well, I went undercover once again to expose yet another one of their beauty secrets and at great peril, I might add. No wonder women look better than men. It’s easy to be stunning if you get a facial once a month. My skin has never had such a youthful glow. With many preconceptions of what the experience would be like, I nervously lay down on the table. The table was actually a really small bed, but for some reason, table seems to be more acceptable to my fragile male ego. Dennis walked in, tuned in to some soothing music, and turned on the fragrance machine. The smell of eucalyptus soon filled the air. First of all, let me state for the record that at no time was I alone in the room. This was a two-hour couple’s facial/massage. I only knew the scent permeating the room was eucalyptus because The Wife said it was. She was lying on the small table next to me. When I was getting my hour-long facial from Dennis, she was receiving a deep-tissue massage from Dorothy. First, my face had to be scrubbed with a defoliant. A defoliant rids the skin of all dirt and grime that a real man gets ground into his face day to day. The liquid was applied to my face with a sponge and left to dry. After five minutes, Dennis scrubbed off the cleanser using what could only be described as a miniature version of a car buffer. Using power tools during a facial — who’d have guessed? Then Dennis, the licensed aesthetician, a.k.a. high-priced face scrubber, put eye pads on me and placed me under a 1,000-watt magnifying lamp to examine my skin. Okay, so it wasn’t 1,000-watt light, but it was really, really bright. Then he cut on the steam machine. Seems a facial includes a steam bath for your face. He explained that the steam helps pull out all the toxins. For the next 10 minutes I laid under the suffocating humidity while all the toxins were pulled out of my system. I spent the whole time thinking that if I wanted to be in the heat and humidity I could’ve saved $150 and done yard work when we got back home. Then again, yard work would have gotten my face all dirty and I’d need another facial. Next came the extraction process. I won’t bore you with the details. Let’s just say for all the work he had to do, I was afraid he was going to charge me extra. The next step is when things started to go awry. Slices of something that smelled like cucumbers were placed on my lips, and I started to get an arm massage. After eating the cucumbers, I quickly told Dennis that he was only supposed to give me a facial, not a massage. He informed me that with every facial, you get an arm massage, and that what I just ate wasn’t cucumbers. After my facial faux pas, Dennis used a spatula to apply what could only be called a thick layer of plaster to my face. Ten minutes later, this stuff dried as hard as a rock. Surprisingly, he didn’t have to use a hammer and chisel to remove it. He simply peeled the mask off. No, my face didn’t peel off with it, but it looked a lot better. Guess he really did learn something in aesthetician school after all. The last step was finding the right moisturizer. Dennis was also a great help here too. Not only did I buy an ultra-light vanilla moisturizer, but I also got aqua-gel foaming cleanser, antiseptic lotion and power repair cream. I’m not really sure what that last product is used for, but I bet The Wife does. We left the day spa with two facials, two relaxing massages, and about $450 less in our pocket. To be honest, a day at the spa was expensive, but it should prove that I’ll spare no expense to bring you good story. Besides leaving with a bag full of his and hers spa care products, I did leave with something else: My manhood still intact. I think next month I’ll try my first manicure – at least that spa treatment has a real man in it. login to post comments | Rick Ryckeley's blog
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