Debate Coverage You Can't Count On....

So - anybody go to the debate? I can't make it, as I'm having my cat washed. I'd love to get an OBJECTIVE view of how it all went.

But, assuming I won't, let me guess how it all went down:

(Moderator): Uh, good evening. The Young Democrats and Young Republicans of McIntosh High School proudly present our first ever Mayoral Runoff Debate. We'd like to thank Mayor Steve Brown for suggesting the idea, booking the room, and writing the questions for tonight. Unfortunately, Harold Logsdon couldn't be with us...
(boos and hisses resonate from the back of the auditorium)

(Moderator):...Harold had an unforeseen conflict this evening, as he has a life. In his place we have an opponent worthy of constructive discourse and verbal jousting. Direct from the new Georgia Aquarium in Atlanta, may we present Gasper, the Beluga Whale!

(Gasper splashes in the tank).

(Moderator): Ladies and gentleman, if you wouldn't mind moving toward the front of the room so we can have more people sitting closer to the camer...I mean, the podiums.

(Mayor Steve "Boom Boom" Brown): Please don't be shy, there's plenty of room. Don't forget I'll give each of you a chance to introduce yourselves before we get started.

(Moderator): OK, thanks, Mr. Brown. (stage whisper) I'm bound to get into Emory now for SURE!

(Mayor Steve "Shuck N' Jive" Brown): I'd like to begin this evening's debate with a prayer, as long as there are no objections.

(the Young Democrats, en masse - both of them - raise their hands)

(Mayor Steve "Is this thing on?" Brown): OK, hearing none, Dear Lord, we ask that you please bring your power upon tonight's discussion so that I can destroy my opponents into tiny little thy mercy.

(Moderator): Ok, thanks, Mr. Brown. Now, the first question is for Gasper. Given the gross illegalities that the Developers of Peachtree City have been perpretrating on the unsuspecting residents of Peachtree City for well over a decade, how will you, as Mayor, rise above the immorality and restore the values of truth, honesty, and truthfulness--

(Young Republican #3): You said truth twice.

(Moderator): They're TWO DIFFERENT WORDS! (to Gasper) I apologize. As I was saying, how will you, in specific details, resolve all the corruption and illegalnessitude that is ongoing in our beloved city?

(Gasper swims errantly across the tank, occasionally flapping his head around).

(Mayor Steve "Horshack" Brown): OOH! I can answer this one, young citizen! Look at my record these past four years. I personally launched several investigations into improper conduct across all levels of City government. I had the Police Department stake out the Public Works facility because I just KNEW they were up to no good! In fact, I even blew the whistle on corruption at the highest levels of City government!

(Young Democrat #2): Uh, Mr. Brown, do you mean the ethics violation you filed on yourself?

(Mayor Steve "Hey, can you watch my kids while I save the world?" Brown): PRECISELY! See, I can spot evil from any distance. My superpowers let me do that.

(Moderator): OK, thanks Mr. Brown. For the next question, we'll take one from the audience. You, sir, with the loud acronymic t-shirt, what would you like to ask?

(T-shirt guy): Mayor Brown, how do you explain the findings of the environmental report regarding the Police Department site that state the area that was built on contained nothing harmful or toxic, when you specifically went to the media with unrelated sections of the report and claimed that several city staffers were aware of the toxic nature of the site and that it shouldn't have been purchased?

(Mayor Steve "Sewer Plants Are the Devil" Brown): Thank you for your comment.

(T-shirt guy): Uh, that was a question.

(Mayor Steve "That wasn't on the script" Brown): Thank you for your comment. Next question please, yes, you, little old lady in the back?

(Elderly Woman): What time does Mass start? Is this the Catholic church? I'm so confused.

(Mayor Steve "Mass Confusion" Brown): I'm sorry, ma'am, did you say that the masses didn't get their opportunity to vote on Election Day because they just didn't know the issues? I'm glad you said that. See, that's what this is all about...the issues. I said from day one, look at my issues. They're the shiniest issues you ever did see! None of my opponents could challenge me on the issues! Did you know that I single-handedly brought the City from the pits of economic despair and am in the process of leading us to the cusp of a brighter tomorrow? I alone brought the values of truth, righteousness and fair play into the dank, dusky smoke-filled rooms of City government. Did you know my opponent thinks it's OK for children to breathe in harmful second hand smoke, probably dispensed from developer's fat cigars? Did you know that my opponent wants to repay the illegal, satanic loans the Development Authority wrongfully and with, extreme malice of forethought, secretly did while having "public" meetings that no one attended?

(T-shirt guy): Why haven't criminal charges been filed if this was illegal?

(Mayor Steve "My lawyer doesn't want me talking about this" Brown): It's just WRONG! WRONG WRONG WRONG! It doesn't matter that we haven't prosecuted anyone for's WRONG, and I don't have to justify it to anyone! This attack is unwarranted...I'm only trying to help you, my beloved citizens.

(Moderator): Next question. Mayor Brown, did you go to a prominent land developer independently of Council to try to broker a plan that would bring about annexation, a topic that you said should only go to the voters?

(Mayor Steve "Wow, I really should have done my research" Brown): Well, I, uh...I didn't know at the time...what's wrong with working with developers, anyway? As long as they do what I say, I think they're swell!

(T-Shirt Guy): And what was with buying the property at Wynnmeade for what appears to be an exorbantant sum? What was the market value of that land, anyway?

(Mayor Steve "Find your happy place" Brown): Thank you for your question.

(Unnamed reporter in the background): And what about your insistence and campaigning against the SPLOST on regional cable television, stating that you were just "a private citizen" instead of in your role as Mayor?

(Mayor Steve "Et tu, media" Brown): But didn't I look good?

(suddenly, Gasper leaps out of the water, into the air, and with a resounding thud, causes a great deal of water to splash out of the tank and onto everything - the a/v equipment, the illustrated charts and maps, and the debate panel. A voice comes over the intercom, bringing an end to the evening's proceedings). Will the owner of the circus trailer parked in front of the kitchen please move your vehicle to allow the band bus to unload? Thank you.

The preceding, of course, is satire. I have to state this because someone just might be offended and want to file criminal charges against me. Let me know if the debate went anywhere near any of these topics...these discussions are getting as silly as this "drama" was! Go vote on December 6, and tell Steve Brown to go away.

Reality Bytes's blog | login to post comments

Comment viewing options

Select your preferred way to display the comments and click "Save settings" to activate your changes.
Submitted by questionable101 on Thu, 11/17/2005 - 11:21pm.

I'm not sure that it was satire - it reads way to well and true to Brown's form. Whatever, it was really great reading!!

birdman's picture
Submitted by birdman on Thu, 11/17/2005 - 9:08pm.

Wow! You certainly could have a career here. Unfortunately what you say is TOO TRUE. The events you satirize are true. I witnessed most of them. That's exactly why we need to dump Brown. All I can say is after doing this for so long, your blog is the best. Enjoyable at all levels. Keep it up, a new day will dawn on Dec. 6 when the "beloved citizens" actually "show their love."

WatchDog's picture
Submitted by WatchDog on Thu, 11/17/2005 - 8:34pm.

And to think with this kind of brilliant wit to read that Reality TV manages to persist.

Excellent reading, Idontknow, excellent.

The Dog could not make it to the debate tonight either. I was busy watching your cat get bathed. God I hope I am not next.


Comment viewing options

Select your preferred way to display the comments and click "Save settings" to activate your changes.