Once upon a time, Mr. Ihaveaprogram was running for office in his local district. He was trying to figure out how to get people to vote for him when he stumbled across Mr. Poordecisions, who claimed he was down on his luck due to no fault of his own.

Mr. Ihaveaprogram told him that if he could count on his vote that he had a plan which would solve all of his problems. Mr. Poordecisions’s vote put Mr. Ihaveapgrogram over the top on Election Day and he won.

As promised, Mr. Ihaveaprogram started a new bureaucracy, which created a job for Mr. Jobforlife. It was Mr. Jobforlife’s task to take money away from Mr. Hardworking down the street, a large cut of it to pay for his salary and then give the remainder to Mr. Poordecisions.

It wasn’t long before his friend, Mr. Metoo, became jealous of Mr. Poordecisions and wanted to get his share of the free money. Mr. Ihaveaprogram obliged him the following election year by expanding the program’s coverage, which also allowed Mr. Jobforlife to hire an assistant to handle the increased work load to help ensure that he never had to work past 5 o’clock.

However, in the neighboring county, things were amiss. Another politician, Mr. Icaremore, started his own program so that a member of his district, Mr. Noselfresponsibility, could get some of Mr. Hardworking’s money as well. This also created a new bureaucracy and a new job for Mr. Nevergetfired.

This greatly worried those who benefited from transfer payments as they felt that their program might get shortchanged by Mr. Icaremore’s new agenda. Mr. PoorDecisions and Mr. Metoo were also disturbed that their checks might get reduced to accommodate this other program.

The three of them got together and hired a lobbyist to follow Mr. Ihaveaprogram and Mr. Icaremore around every day and constantly remind them how important this program was to the country and the people who depended on it. This of course enticed Mr. Nevergetfired and Mr. Noselfresponsibility to also hire a lobbyist.

Seems the only person who didn’t have a lobbyist was Mr. Hardworking who was growing discouraged that his paycheck was getting smaller and smaller after everyone else got their cut of it. He was so upset that he went to speak with Mr. Ihaveaprogram who told him that he felt his pain but that the country was depending on him to pay his fair share.

Learning that Mr. Hardworking had four children who had no place to play, Mr. Ihaveaprogram told him that he would find a grant to build a new playground just down the street from his house so that his kids could have a safe place to gather and have fun. What’s more, the playground wouldn’t be paid for with local money but would be funded by tax dollars from the county next door (care of Mr. Twojobs who had recently moved into that district). Soon the playground was built and Mr. Hardworking was a lot happier.

Not to be shown up by the new playground, the district next door decided to build a water park for their kids financed by a SPLOST. Since the district had the only shopping mall in that part of the state, Mr. Hardworking found himself paying out more taxes for something he would never use every time he went shopping there.

And the story goes on for our array of characters. They went on to live in jealousy, contempt and suspicion of one another and no one lived happily ever after. The end.

Brad Rudisail
Peachtree City, Ga.