By BILLY MURPHY
Laugh Lines

Time for me to make my predictions for the first year of the new millennium. Or, is it the last year of the old millennium?

Jan. 1 — Two—hundred million Americans simultaneously say, “What? Is that it?” In the biggest scam since the Pet Rock everyone realizes that 40 percent of 1999 was spent talking about the Y2K bug and the worst recorded incident at 12 midnight, 2000 was a computer in Iowa that had to be rebooted.

Jan. 2 — Sixty—four broadcast, cable and news channels offer round the clock specials on how everyone was hoodwinked concerning the “over—hyping” of the Y2K bug. Martha Stewart starts series of programs on crafts using nothing but leftover batteries, kerosene and potted meat.

Feb. 15 — Tentative Atlanta Braves pitcher John Rocker alienates his last bastion of supporters when he says the KKK is too open—minded and stands for “krummy, krappy, kreeps.”

March 11 — Steven Forbes fires the first, big shot of the presidential campaign by calling John McCain a nutcase. John McCain fires the next big shot back at Forbes... from a 30mm grenade launcher.

March 30 — NASA, after a series of space setbacks that hurt funding, announces it will make a public stock offering over the Internet and merge with Yahoo on its next mission: “The search for the Mars probe.”

April 20 — Locally, the Fayette County Board of Education cancels all meetings and pretty much all work and business to lobby 24 hours a day for the twice-defeated and not-wanted SPLOST.

May 11 — The Dahli Lama wins the Nobel Peace Prize at an international gathering of followers and later that night hocks it on ebay.com for $7,300 and a “Phantom Menace” decanter set.

June 25 — Hugh Hefner becomes a father again in his competition with Michael Jackson. He starts teaching his eldest child about the facts of life using nude pictures of mom. Reached for comment, Michael Jackson said he will win their battle of machismo as soon as he finishes his albino treatments, finds another woman who will marry a virgin and can locate a sperm donor.

July 4 — To celebrate Independence Day in Washington, a huge gala is held, featuring entertainers Celine Dion, Alannis Morissette, Shania Twain, Michael J. Fox and Mike Myers. No one in government realizes they are all Canadians.

Aug. 15 — VH1 starts a new series called “Behind `Behind the Music'” featuring the rise and drug—induced fall and rise again of assorted washed—up rock stars — all during just the taping of their “Behind the Music” special. Leif Garrett is the first guest.

Aug. 30 — Sixty—four broadcast, cable and news channels raise awareness and fear with specials concerning the Y2K1 Bug that spells doom on 1/1/2001.

Sept. 9 — Snuggles, the Fabric Softener Bear, is laid to rest after a tragic accident involving an outdoor commercial shoot and a gas—powered wood chipper. He is buried in the vacuum bag used to gather his remains.

Oct. 22 — As a last—ditch slap in the face to the establishment, Bill Clinton appoints Judge Judy to the Supreme Court. Her first case involves a former Arkansas female lawyer accused of a land scam.

Nov. 4 — WWW.PeteRose.com closes down after it successfully lobbies Rose back into the Baseball Hall of Fame. It is doubly sweet for Pete as he had put down $10,000 at 4 to 1 odds against him.

Dec. 13 — I start preparing my predictions for 2001 using principles for prophesying I have learned over the years: Consulting a holy man, meditation and taking three times the normal dose of NyQuil.

[Visit Billy Murphy on the Internet at http://billymurphy.homepage.com.]

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