Wednesday, February 19, 2003
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Wednesday, February 19, 2003 |
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Jack of all trades, master of fun By
BILLY MURPHY All of us frequently ask the question to ourselves, "When I am gone, what will I be remembered for?" Besides ending a lot of sentences with a lot of prepositions, I think I should be remembered as an innovator and an inventor. Sure, I am no Albert Einstein, figuratively or literally, but I have had my moments. I don't mean to brag too much, but I have been the originator of many things, but just humbly failed to take credit for. For instance, in the '70s when Wendy's restaurants had just begun, I started the "dip your French fries in your Frosty" craze. I also invented the "suicide" which is when you take multiple shots of different soft drinks to create your very own pop taste. Diet Coke, Sprite and Dr. Pepper was always my favorite. I dubbed it the Ph.D-lite. And by the way, was Dr. Pepper a medical doctor or a doctorate doctor? Though not known as a health-conscious person, I originated the oral hygienic technique of smiling into your shower to simultaneously create a Water Pic and flossing affect. Those who know me or have seen me are now simultaneously thinking, "That's how he got that great smile!" But even more than those things, I seek to be an innovator of words. My mother, being from Germany and learning English later in life, became a master at the mixed metaphor. Thus, not to beat around the G.W. Bush, I must confess, I would like to become the architect of the new cliché. Language is static, but it also changes with its surroundings. Considering the advent of technology, political correctness, reality television and the like, revisions to our basic clichés are in order. I mean, the SPCA would hardly allow us to chase a wild goose, now would they? An animal could be harmed in the process. So we need to rename any waste-of-time excursion to, "a governmental regulated event." So the next time your spouse has you lost, driving around for three hours, you would say, "He took me on a governmental regulated event!" That sure would keep me from being as happy as a clam. Nowadays, people are really sensitive to violent sounding words. Thus heads will turn if you were to say, "Cut and dried," "Cut and run," "Cut off your nose to spite your face." Imagine changing such phrases to something more updated and ripped from the Michael Jackson-laden headlines. How about "Dangle and dried," "Dangle and run," or "Dangle your nose to spite your face." Maybe these clichés will catch on. I thought I would just dangle to the quick. Lots of other offensive words should be replaced in the old fashioned clichés: No more "spitting image," or "sour grapes," or "evil eye." Maybe the answer is to substitute some of our great new technology advances. The sentence might come out something like, "Boy, did you see the little Dickie Phelps? He is the digital image of his dad. I hope there are no floppy grapes among the other dads. It seems like they were all giving him the Ethernet eye." Considering one of everybody's favorite shows, Joe Millionaire, some clichés you really don't need to change much at all: "A fool and her money (man) are soon parted." [Visit Billy Murphy on the Internet at www.ebilly.net.]
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