Wednesday, February 12, 2003
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Wednesday, February 12, 2003 |
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Teen sex and life in the suburbs: Lessons from a schoolbus . . .
By STEPHEN WALLACE Disturbing, yes. But hardly surprising. Recent reports of a 14-year-old Massachusetts middle school girl engaging in oral sex with a 16-year-old high school boy differed only slightly from scores of similar tales told with increasing regularity in cities and towns across the country. The setting (a schoolbus) and the audience (classmates) make it especially unappealing but really not that different. After all, it was not too long ago that news broke of a senior class scavenger hunt proffering points for proof (videos and such) of masturbation, oral sex and public intercourse. In her book, "The Sex Lives of Teenagers: Revealing the Secret World of Adolescent Boys and Girls," psychiatrist Lynn Ponton makes the case that sex is a fact of life for all young adults, even if only in fantasy. Further down that path went Judith Levine in "Harmful to Minors: The Perils of Protecting Children from Sex," essentially arguing that sex is not inherently a bad thing for kids, more so the stigmatizing of it. Regardless of where one stands on the questions of if and when, why and how, it seems to me that indiscriminate, sometimes indiscreet, and often exploitative sexual behavior by school children, some not yet old enough to even drive, points to forces far greater or lesser than healthy human development. The culprit? A lack of inhibition fueled in equal parts by pubertal predisposition to separate consequence from behavior, social "norming," and adult indifference and inattention. Understandably, many teens lack the foresight, and probably the cognitive makeup, to accurately anticipate possible, even predictable, results. This developmental disconnect accounts for all types of destructive decisions, from driving drunk to unprotected sex. Teens need help, and each other, for reality reminders that link actions with outcomes and reinforce responsibility in relationships. Sadly, most girls and boys who have been sexually active wish they had waited. While each of us is influenced by what we view as common and acceptable behavior, this is especially true during adolescence, when an almost innate drive to "go along to get along" platforms such development prerogatives as independence, identity formation and socialization. Media images that portray sex as casual and unimportant create a false sense of acceptability in the minds of those already predisposed to test limits and take risks. As one teen put it, "If you watch TV, you just assume everyone is having sex." Last but not least, parents who don't know, or don't want to know, about the incredibly sexualized world in which kids live do little to help them navigate the maze of information, influence and decision. What does that world look like? According to new Teens Today research from SADD (Students Against Destructive Decisions), almost one in four sixth graders, and one in three seventh graders, has engaged in sexual behavior. Less surprising, if no less troubling, more than three in four twelfth graders report the same. Hidden behind those numbers is a pervasive attitude that, short of intercourse, sex if you even call it that just doesn't matter. Sex with a friend, sex with a stranger, sex in private, sex in public. It all boils down to just having fun. It's no big deal. Indeed, some students interviewed about the bus brigade seemed nonchalant, even impressed. It may be too soon for longitudinal analysis that captures the aftershocks of early, intimate (and occasionally demeaning) sex acts but it's not too soon to point to a long trail of remorse, regret, and worse. Far too often, sexual affirmation results in sexual exploitation of girls and boys and sexual violence. And that pain never really goes away. Victims of sexual violence commonly fear intimacy, suffer from shame and self-doubt, and experience academic difficulty. And much like other antecedents of psychological discomfort, such crimes can precipitate self-medication with alcohol and other drugs. Of course, alcohol and drugs can also be a precursor to sexual experimentation and assault. A study released by the Kaiser Family Foundation noted that 29 percent of teens ages 15 to 17 said alcohol or other drugs influenced their decision to do something sexual, with 25 percent saying it caused them to do more than they had planned. Similarly, impairment increases the likelihood that a young person will commit or be the victim of violence, including rape. While friends and older siblings are important influencers of teen decisions about sex, parents are still the number one reason that young people don't make poor choices. Teens who have open communication with their parents are more likely to report that their parents influence their decisions about sexual activity, and parents who convey expectations about sexual behavior (more than one in three do not, according to Teens Today) are more likely to have teens who try to meet those standards. With effort, patience and no small amount of courage, parents can help young adults to better understand the physical and emotional risks of sexual behavior, the responsibilities that come with mutually caring and respectful relationships, standards for acceptable behavior and the role that alcohol and other drugs can play in impairing judgment and creating risk. Schoolbuses or not, these are clearly tricky and uncomfortable issues for many families to address. Given the stakes, however, there is no other choice. Life, as they say, is not a dress rehearsal. It's for real. Just like sex. [Stephen Wallace is a psychologist, the national chairman and chief executive officer of SADD, Inc., and a member of the Massachusetts Task Force on Sexual Assault and Abuse. SADD sponsors school-based education and prevention programs nationwide and makes available at no charge the SADD Contract for Life and the Opening Lifesaving Lines brochure, both designed to facilitate effective parent-child communication. Toll-free: 877-SADD-INC. For more information on the Teens Today research, visit http://www.saddonline.com.]
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