Wednesday, February 5, 2003
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Wednesday, February 5, 2003 |
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Men carry these maladies in their jeans uh, genes By
BILLY MURPHY Men and women are different; that is a given. Yet the male species has an excuse. There are simply diseases particular to men, illnesses that are inherent to the masculine sex. So, if you know a man who seems to be suffering from some strange affliction, take it easy on him. He could be stricken. For who knows the number of diseases that reside in the male DNA? One of the most known and least treatable male illnesses is resistassistance. Many women know this affliction because they become frustrated and upset when riding in a car with a man. Seemingly for hours, he will drive around lost, without asking for help. This is not just the problem of an obstinate, stubborn guy. The problem lies way down in the makeup of his molecular structure. Evidence has been found that in most males, the proton that orbits the nucleus in his atoms has completely lost its direction, swinging wildly out of control. The proton just does not seem to want to follow the road map of the human body (DNA). Sissaphobia is another disease that intermittently strikes the race of men. This illness displays itself through many symptoms. Sweaty palms, shivering nervously and dryness of the mouth accompany this terrible sickness. Doctors and scientists when tracing the origin of this disease find that it usually starts shortly after the male has first made a formal commitment to a female; about the same time she starts asking him to carry or fetch her purse in public places. A more serious form of this illness (mortifidetosis) can appear years later, after marriage, when the male is asked to go to the market to purchase female personal hygiene products. Male sleeping sickness is common among many adult men. The culprit is not the African chi chi fly or the South American falcon mosquito. This dreaded disease would seem to come from a rare, exotic carrier. But no, the offender is found in almost every home in America. His name is Lazee-Boyus-Reclyne-us. Once this species has attached itself to its host victim, the male is powerless and rendered immobile. His comatose state sometimes lasts for hours. A stifling disease that strikes many married men is ODS (Opinion Deficiency Syndrome). A seemingly normal man is rendered illiterate by one simple phenomenon. When his wife asks, "How do I look?" he responds with no real opinion. Stammering and stuttering are symptoms for this sickness but there are many worse side effects. After hesitating and then wording many inarticulate statements like, "You look fine," or, "Great, honey, now let's go," the man finds himself entrenched in this painful and uncomfortable infirmity. ODS is not terminal but the effects can linger through times of silence, glaring looks, misbleached clothes, and burned dinners. Sometimes the aftermath of the disease can seem worse than death. The Center for Disease Control in Atlanta and the National Institute for Health in Maryland offer no remedy for any of these infirmities. There are no prescriptions or elixirs either. Yet, there does seem to be a counteragent for these predicaments. Florence Nightingale practiced it throughout her tenure as the crown princess of nursing, and that is patience. [Visit Billy Murphy on the Internet at www.ebilly.net.]
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