Wednesday, January 1, 2003

Strom, J. Lo and Winona:

By BILLY MURPHY
Laugh Lines

I predict 2003 . . .

For my sixth year in a row I use my space here to predict the coming year.

Jan. 11 Roberta Melmsteen becomes then the one-millionth cell phone user to simultaneously drive an SUV while saying the words, "I am late for my Botox appointment."

Jan. 30 Strom Thurmond wakes up in the middle of the night and seemingly for no reason screams, "George Wallace for president!"

Feb. 9 Winona Ryder and Robert Downey Jr. start filming, "Framed: The O.J. Simpson Story."

Feb. 23 The Atlanta Braves successfully lobby to skip the actual baseball season so that they can save their time and energy to put on a good show while losing in the first round of the playoffs.

March 15 J. Lo breaks it off with Ben Affleck, saying she actually made a mistake and thought she had been dating Matt Damon for the past eight months.

April 1 Insert your own Michael Jackson April Fool's joke here.

April 21 Winona Ryder and Darryl Strawberry start filming, "Framed: The Marion Barry Story."

May 13 Sho-Nuff Daddy Fatboy becomes the one-millionth rap singer to be arrested for assault with a deadly weapon.

June 3 Picketers leave the filming of "Lord of the Rings 3" when they realize they mistook the movie for "Harry Potter 3."

June 29 Hillary's presidential campaign reaches high gear when she announces her intentions to run with Rosie O'Donnellas her vice-president.

July 9 J. Lo breaks it off with Matt Damon, saying she actually made a mistake and thought she had been dating Tobey McGuire.

Aug. 3 Strom Thurmond wakes up in the middle of the night and seemingly for no reason screams, "Abe Lincoln for president!"

Aug. 27 Time Magazine announces that every single American suffers from either carpal tunnel syndrome, PPMS, or sleep apnea.

Sept. 19 Winona Ryder and Mike Tyson start filming, "Framed: The Robert Downey Jr. Story."

Oct. 2 Dick Cheney records his record 69th heart attack while wrestling an alligator on the White House lawn. He still defeats the alligator and celebrates over a steak and lobster dinner.

Oct. 31 Trick or treating is cancelled when retailers realize there is more profit by putting out Christmas items after the Fourth of July rather than Halloween.

Nov. 21 Thanksgiving is moved to May 5 when retailers realize there is more profit in moving it to a dead time of the year.

Dec. 11 Bob Dylan utters three words in a row that are fully understood.

Dec. 29 Michael Jackson cloned. End of the world.

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