Wednesday, August 14, 2002
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Wednesday, August 14, 2002 |
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Spamming the globe . . . By BILLY MURPHY As the last days of summer wind their way towards the Anna Nicole Smith of summer Labor Day I want to spam some of the highlights. Bruce Springsteen is the hit of the music world again; just like he was in 1984. His albums have been moving faster than Ozbourne family curse words. Has it really been 18 years since Bruce hit it with "Born in the USA"? The last time Bruce was big, Britney was just starting nursery school... and getting her first piercing. Obviously, the middle-class working man and woman do still buy albums, or, uh... CDs. At least Bruce doesn't need to worry about his fan base downloading his music online or anything. The average 6-year-old has better computer skills than the typical Boss fan. When Bruce was first popular, the computer of choice was the Commodore 64. While on the subject of music, the 25th anniversary of Elvis' death is worth mentioning. I'm not sure, but why do I have this feeling that Kentucky Fried Chicken is going to be offering a special value meal in remembrance? In the South, you can still basically divide people into two groups, those who believe Elvis is dead and those who don't. Waffle Houses all over the South are full of people hosting the never-ending conspiracy theory party surrounding Elvis' death, or, uh... disappearance. And I find it rather ironic that everyone is at Waffle House debating Elvis sightings, sightings which always seem to take place at Denny's. In other spams, it looks like Martha Stewart might be in a little trouble. Poor Martha. You mean someone who has made billions of dollars selling women on pine cone wreaths and jewel-encrusted toilet brush holders can't be trusted? I'm sure even in prison she would do well with the arts and crafts thing. "Today we will cover 101 Ideas for Soap," or "A stained glass 'shiv' your cell mates will envy and love." And why do I get the feeling, if Martha went to jail, she would still be the most terrified person in the place? Even hardened lesbian, death row murderers would be like, "Here, Martha, take my cigarettes." The warden would be dropping in and asking, "Are the accommodations OK? Do you like the linen doilies on your stainless steel toilet?" And just how does one accent a stainless steel latrine? Steel wool toilet paper? Good luck, Martha. The West Nile virus (WNV) seems to be on everyone's mind lately. It's bad enough I'm getting brain tumors from my cell phone and lung disease from carpet fibers, but now a mosquito bite can kill me? I have contacted NASA about purchasing a space suit so I can enjoy everyday life with confidence and fervor. I hear in the fly world that they have a new cliché when flies die en masse: "They were dropping like people." Maybe the problem is not the mosquito but just that we as a people are getting weaker? I mean, I know people who need an antibiotic if they hear about a frog in New Guinea that got a fever from a new germ found in the sap of a 300-year-old Cyprus tree. We have become so conflicted as a people that we will apply SPF 145 sunscreen on the arm that sticks out the window in the sun to pick up our supersized value meal at McDonald's. Somewhere there's a vegetarian washing down her Prozac with a chocolate shake on the way to her AA meeting. But, hey. That's life, or at least something like it.
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