Wednesday, August 7, 2002
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Wednesday, August 7, 2002 |
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Back to school: Good, bad, ugly By BILLY MURPHY It's time for kids to go to school and that is both good and bad; good for parents, bad for the kids. So to honor these good and bad days, I offer everything you need to know about school, the good and bad (and sometimes the ugly). On school transportation: The Bad: Your child tells you the bus route is so crowded, he gets to ride on the "outside" of the bus. The Good: He never arrives at school with wet hair anymore. On school administration: The Good: Your child's school finally got rid of that principal you didn't like. The Bad: The new principal shows up with a pet monkey, wearing a "Limp Biskit" T-shirt and announces he has devised a way to boost the school budget by investing in the stock market. On school conditions: The Bad: They announce they have discovered asbestos has been used in your school's insulation. The Good: That bad case of dandruff you had last year wasn't dandruff after all. On shop class: The Good: The new shop teacher isn't missing any fingers. The Bad: The new shop teacher has a prosthetic hand. On book banning: The Good: Kids are reading again. The Bad: "Harry Potter" books are banned from reading lists. The Ugly: "Harry Potter" replaced with some second-rate Dr. Seuss books like, "Horton Hears a Gunshot," "Cat in the McDonald's Drive-thru Window," and " Green Eggs and Spam." On school testing: The Good: They have lowered statewide testing levels. The Bad: All math answers can "just be close," all geography answers just need to be on the correct continent and all spelling tests will have words no longer than three letters. On school fashion: The Good: Schools are leaning towards more uniform standards. The Bad: New modern uniforms will include pockets for cigarettes and be revealing enough to expose body piercings and tattoos. The Ugly: The above-mentioned are the middle school uniforms. On school food: The Good: New law passed that all cafeteria meals must taste like food. The Bad and the Ugly: To save money, food service colanders have been replaced by cafeteria workers' hair-nets. Have a great school year!
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