Wednesday, July 31, 2002
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Wednesday, July 31, 2002 |
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What are you afraid of, fear? By BILLY MURPHY
We all have fears of certain things. These are called phobias. Technically a phobia is a fear that is illogical or irrational. Being afraid in some instances is good. As a child we learn, correctly, that we should be fearful when we cross the street. Yet, in some instances our fears can become spurious; for instance, when a person is afraid to enter an elevator. Even worse, when a person enters an elevator and is afraid someone on the elevator will say, "I'm not just a Jehovah's Witness, I'm an Amway salesman, too." Personally, I just have a fear of getting a phobia. Could this be called Phobaphobia? Here are some of the ones I have had lately. Maybe you have them too? Alabamaphobia fear that your family reunion's theme this year is "The Dating Game." Coiffureaphobia fear of finding a hair in your soup, then discovering Al Sharpton is your waiter and Don King is the cook. Zombaphobia fear that the walking dead not only have risen from the grave but desire big, wet, kisses. Iversonaphobia fear that an NBA player will kick in your door. Alrokeraphobia waking up in the middle of the night and fearing that the person lying under the covers next to you is a burly NBC weatherman. Bubbleaphobia while trying to impress a girl in the swimming pool, fear that you will get one of those huge air bags in the front of your bathing trunks. Ad nauseamaphobia fear you get in church when minister is still talking 20 minutes after he has said, "In conclusion." Acmeaphobia fear that maladroit manufacturing company will finally develop product that enables Coyote to seize and devour Roadrunner. Drabaphobia fear all UPS employees have of wearing brown uniform shorts and socks. Creativememoryaphobia fear, while looking through someone's family album, that they will say, "Hurry up, we have seven more scrapbooks to go." Worldcomaphobia make up your own joke here. Orwellaphobia fear your pet will turn the tables on you by holding you down and tickling your stomach until you pee on the carpet. Buttaphobia fear of being at the end of every joke found in America (see also, George-W-itis, Oprah Syndrome and the original, Michael Jackson Disease).
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