Wednesday, June 26, 2002
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Wednesday, June 26, 2002 |
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It's hot By BILLY MURPHY I am in Phoenix as I write this and it is quite hot here. But, it's a dry 106 degree heat. You don't sweat at all here, you parch. You bake. You come out of the heat all shiny like one of those porcelain dolls after it comes out of the kiln. It's like the old Johnny Carson jokes, hot here. "How hot is it?" "It's so hot, I saw a fox chasing a rabbit and they were both walking." "It's so hot, I saw a fire hydrant chasing a dog." It is so hot here in Phoenix, you have to wear sun tan lotion on your clothes. They don't just fry eggs on the pavement here, they cook your grits in the potholes. If you lay out in the sun here, you don't tan, you stroke. I was in Wal-Mart and their Coppertone had SPF 3000. If Ray Bradbury had lived in Arizona his book burning tome would have been titled "Phoenix 451." It's hot. Georgia has reason to be proud when it comes to hot summers but I don't know if we can melt a candle to this part of the country. It's like a desert out here. Oh, it is a desert out here. It could be the death match of weather; Southern humidity verses Western aridity. Our suit clad, sweating southern preacher versus their leather faced, cracked lipped biker. It's hot. Here in Phoenix they have Starbucks too cool people off. Out here, a piping hot cup of coffee actually can bring your temperature down. At least you don't have to mow a lawn out here. You just rake your rock yard once every 5 years and property maintenance is a breeze. I am going to wind up spending a mere 30 hours here in Phoenix but, I don't know that I can really recommend it as a vacation destination. I guess it is better in the Winter when the temperature dips into the 90s and cacti reach full bloom. That's when the locals pull out their sweaters and complain of soaring heating bills. Cold and flu season here lasts shorter than a Jennifer Lopez marriage. But, I'm here now and I've had enough heat. It's hot and I'm leaving Arizona and I ain't coming back. Not unless, it freezes over. And I'm not talking about hell.
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