Wednesday, May 15, 2002
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Wednesday, May 15, 2002 |
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Star Wars and summer spam By BILLY MURPHY
At one minute past midnight tonight, the day this article appears, I will be one of the first people to see Star Wars Episode II. With my pre-purchased ticket in hand, I will count myself among the geeks of the world, waiting the hour in line, discussing Sand People, Battle Droids and the Millennium Falcon. I'm sure the combined IQ of this first audience could equal that of my home state of South Carolina, present company excluded of course. Yet, I'm sure the entire group has probably not had a date in this century. This Star Wars, though, has been touted as the most romantic of all. Talk about missing your demographic. I can see the romantic scenes in this movie making the predominantly male crowd about as nervous as Richard Simmons at a Monster Truck Rally. Speaking of romance at the movies, the trailer for "Unfaithful" has me dying laughing. The Euro-trash, So-Ho stud in this film issues this line: "Your eyes are beautiful, you should never close them, even when you are sleeping." What woman would fall for this patter? In the actual movie, does this guy continue the flattery with (use your own, lame French accent here), "Even if you were looking into the midday sun, don't close your eyes." Or, "You should never close your eyes, even if you are swimming ... and the pool water is full of chlorine." Or maybe he could win a woman's heart with, "Never close your eyes, even if there is a solar eclipse and you don't have one of those contraptions made with a mirror and a shoe box ... don't shut them, your corneal damage will be worth it." I guess with a French accent everything sounds exotic. I mean, figure it out. Gerard Depardieu is France's version of John Goodman and women still swoon over him. I guess I am just unromantic. The report card is in and kids today don't know squat about history. So, what's new? I love seeing these reports that make the older generation feel as though they (we?) were the smartest ever in the heritage of our country. This is the academic equivalent of "In my day" thinking. I guess as we all get older we will take what we can get, to make ourselves feel superior. Face it, kids today know more about everything, faster and earlier than we ever knew. Sure, we might have known the difference between the Preamble and the Gettysburg Address but the typical 9-year-old can research the Internet faster than we can find the on/off button on the printer. The older generation just needs to shut up and continue living in their dream world that we are smarter and that the Rolling Stones are still some really hip dudes. The signs of the apocalypse officially arrived this past week and I'm not talking about the further unrest in the Middle East. I'm talking about Dan Quayle's proffer that Ozzie Osbourne is a good role model for fathers and family. When you really study it though, Dan Quayle and Ozzie Osbourne are exactly alike. Both continually utter totally undecipherable and unintelligible statements and both have never worked a real day in their lives. Also, Quayle is a dodo known for not having a head on his shoulders and Osbourne has bit the head off of a bird. I'm not denying the popularity of the Osbourne Family show but we like it for the same reason we slow down, driving by a car crash all in all, our own crummy minivan doesn't seem so bad when we pass by a crushed BMW and three white ambulances. May the force be we with you.
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