Wednesday, May 8, 2002
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Wednesday, May 8, 2002 |
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What we really need next is ... By BILLY MURPHY
Wow, everything and anything is being built in our county these days. New businesses are cropping up faster than Braves' losses. So to follow my personal mantra, "Anything worth doing is worth overdoing," I suggest a theme park: a traffic-enticing, acreage-engulfing farm of fun. Heck, I think that's the only thing left not planned (except a movie theater in Peachtree City but why would we build something we actually need?). So, what will our Fayette County theme park be about? The first thing to consider is the name, something catchy and yet identifiable. Six Flags uses the theme of different lands and so does Disney World. Disney World also has the advantage of using the familiar name of the guru of fantasy himself: Walt. Maybe ours should be called "SoccerMomLand" or "SUV's over Fayette." We could look within ourselves today and use our attitudes and mores to help moniker our theme park. It could be called, "The Really Big and Costly Theme Park That is Too Expensive to Let the Kids Play In, Park." Product placements would figure heavily in any theme park. The Pepto-Bismol-sponsored spinning barrels ride would be called "Twirl and Hurl." Advil would definitely want to sponsor an upside-down swinging boat called the "Pirates of the Common Migraine." Boring Crystal Pistol-type shows could be sponsored by Vivarin or any number of coffee makers. The fastest ride in the park might be through a collapsing tunnel at a Mexican drinking well called the "Kave-o-Pecate." Tie-ins with the movies and television would have to be a consideration, too. Universal Studios among others is a very popular amusement park. "Cruise Ship" would be a pendulum-style swinging ride that leads its riders on a "Is he?" "Isn't he?" quest. The lifelike "Survivor" ride plops people down on a simulated beach to bicker their way through a maze of nausea-inducing trials. Other ideas would be a haunted-house-style daytime television theme, "Rosie Comes Out of the Closet." You aren't really frightened but you are irritated beyond belief. With Ellen Degeneres coming to the talk show circuit you could start a whole Lesbian Land. We would want to give our theme park some local flavor, so a roller coaster featuring our Board of Education could be called "The Great American Scream Machine." Oh, that's been taken? OK, we could call it "The Mind Numb-er." Of course, with school in mind you could relax by then jumping on The Ferris Bueller Wheel. Any of our City Council meetings could be represented in a whirling, twirling, "Endless Circle of Squabbles." Eating is big part of going to a theme park so there would be a vampire-themed restaurant called "Bleed You Dry." If you just wanted a snack you could stop at the "Dennis Rodman Hot Dog Stand" or "Richard Simmons Cream Puffs." On your way out, don't forget to stop at the literal-minded "Worthless Junk You'll Throw Out in a Week" Gift Shop.
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