Wednesday, April 3, 2002
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Wednesday, April 3, 2002 |
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Spamming the globe: April fools By BILLY MURPHY This spamming edition is in honor of all the idiocy in the world, but especially noted in April. April is Grilled Cheese Month. That's right, and this is not some leftover April fool's joke either. Somehow, the American Dairy Association lobbied this month of commemoration into existence. I guess it was more glamorous than National Lard Month. So, what do we do to celebrate a month of pan-fried, dairy by-products on bread anyway? Do we wear party hats in honor of lactis bacteria, the organism that ferments milk into cheese? Do we hang string mozzarella streamers? Do we put on blindfolds and play pin the brie on the artery? I cheddar to think of it. When you ponder it, though, the grilled cheese sandwich is truly a marvel of simplicity. Scholars trace cheese all the way back to the beginning of mankind; thus, the grilled cheese sandwich must have been close behind. It just makes sense. Armed with only bread, cheese and fire, some primeval mom had only 20 minutes to feed her brood before they were off storming the castle, and the rest is cheestory. If all this talk makes you hungry, you probably have the ingredients within arm's length to celebrate right now. Just melt down half a block of butter, throw out your cholesterol counter and have a ball, a cheese ball, 'cause that some gouda eating. Hope my puns aren't grating on anyone. Wow, rumors might be true that Britney Spears has broken up with boyfriend Justin Timberlake. I guess she was tired of waiting for him to come out on the other side of puberty. If Britney is going to fulfill her prophecies of being the next Madonna, she is going to have to get on the ball anyway. By this age, Madonna had dated whole basketball teams, including the waterboy. I'm sure Britney's onstage persona had nothing to do with Justin dumping her. It could have been a bit embarrassing introducing her to his parents as "The girl who stripped on the MTV Music Awards." It would be pretty bad when your dad and grandpa at the family reunion had seen as much of your girlfriend's skin as you had. The TV show "The Bachelor" debuts this month. A man has six weeks to choose a wife among 25 eligible women. Now this is the thinking man's "Survivor." Let me see. Just how would this guy pare down the group? "OK, ladies, you 12 over here fetch me some beer. You 12 wrestle in this chocolate pudding and, hey, you! My toenails need a trim." Women sure are making a lot of headway in getting recognized as truly deserving of men's respect. I can't wait to see the 24 losers farmed out among the talk shows telling how men are pigs and objectify women. That they were "in it" for true love, or only hoping to make some money for their favorite charity, "Council for a Woman's Right to Curse Like a Man." Men can read more about it in a future Playboy issue: "Women of 'The Bachelor.'" And to close, looks like Lance Bass of 'N Sync is going into outer space on a future space mission. He said he likes the astronaut suits. It's yet to be seen though if he can pass the physical as no one knows the G-forces he is used to riding in the back of a limo. [Visit Billy Murphy on the Internet at http://ebilly.net.]
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