Wednesday, February 20, 2002
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Wednesday, February 20, 2002 |
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The 'choice' of being gay: Maybe the choice is how we respond I read, with great interest, the Rev. Louis Sheldon's column about homosexuality not being genetic. He claims that no scientific evidence can be found to prove that homosexuality is innate. However, I would ask him to show me scientific evidence that homosexuality is not innate. The problem is that no one can prove his or her claim one way or the other. My oldest son is gay, but I'm certainly not proud of that fact. However, my youngest son is straight and I'm not proud of that fact either. Both were born male and have dark brown eyes. Should I feel some pride or shame over one biological trait any more than I should another? The pride my two sons instill in me has to do with the things over which they do exert control. They continue to make a positive contribution to this world every day. In the end, what more could a parent ever ask from their child? There are those that would vehemently disagree with my claim that sexual orientation is genetic. They claim it is a choice and that seems to justify their hatred. If being homosexual is not a choice, then God must have created them that way. If God created them that way, then it must not be a sin. A loving God would not create something just so He could hate it. They state with absolute authority that homosexuality is a choice. I find it most ironic that only those who state that being gay or lesbian is a choice claim not to be gay. Am I the only one puzzled by this fact? How would you know it's a choice if you aren't gay? Or, at the very least, be willing to admit that you are struggling with some gay feelings? If you are unsure whether being gay is a choice, then go ask someone who is. Ask them to tell you their story. Most will be grateful that someone would be thoughtful enough to want to know the truth. And if you think they might not tell you the truth, let me tell you a beautiful, redemptive, little fact. Once a homosexual comes "out," after going through the personal hell we have created for them, forcing them to be in the closet, for God only knows how long, they really don't care what you think! After Adam told us he was gay, we went through some painful "soul searching" which led us to a group called PFLAG (Parents, Family, Friends of Lesbians and Gays). It was there we met other gays and lesbians. I would ask each one, "How and when did you know you were homosexual?" Although the details vary, the stories are amazing in similarity. Sometime during their teen years, they noticed an attraction for the same sex. They knew it wasn't right from all they had been taught by their parents, family, friends, church, and society. They would suppress those feelings, knowing them to be wrong. As they got older, the feelings would become stronger, harder to deny. At some point, they realized these feelings weren't going to go away and must be challenged. This "dirty little secret" would ruin their life. Those raised in a religious environment quickly went to God in prayer. Mistakenly believing they had done something wrong to bring on these feelings, they would fervently beg God to remove this curse from their life. Years of negotiating with God proved futile. Feeling as though God had turned His back on them, they knew they were on their own. Feeling lost and alone, do they risk seeking help and advice from others, or do they just repress the urges? This is where the stories diverge on many different paths. For a fortunate few, they reveal their innermost torment and are immediately surrounded by love, understanding, and acceptance. Unfortunately for most, their risk of vulnerability is met with anger, disgust, condemnation, and threats if their "choice" is not immediately reversed. Because they have already spent years coming to grips with the inevitable, they know with inescapable certainty this "choice" of which you speak is as much a part of them as their gender, skin color, or I.Q. Two immovable objects have collided and now, for the first time, a real "choice" has to be made. Do they acquiesce and pretend to be straight in order for their family and friends to find them acceptable once more? Or do they show immense courage and personal integrity by being true to the way God has made them? Being fearful and so deep in denial, some falsely believe that marriage will cure them of their curse. Some remain faithful to their spouse, wondering what might have been. Others are unfaithful, and must live with the guilt. And some of them, unable to lead a double life, leave their spouse after bearing children, leaving feelings of shame, betrayal, and hurt in their wake. Others believe that because the church has condemned them, then God must condemn them as well. Feeling unworthy of love from family, friends and God, they engage in a life of promiscuity, filled with deadly consequences. If the world, as you knew it, looked at you with such contempt, how positive a contribution would you feel you could make? Fortunately, some have realized that homosexuality and a meaningful relationship with God are not mutually exclusive. Armed with their faith, they go about their lives making wonderful contributions to this world. Many also build loving relationships with a partner, whose stability and thoughtfulness would be the envy of many straight marriages. And all of this is done in spite of our overwhelming contempt and prejudice. I believe there is a "choice" when it comes to homosexuality. But it's your choice and not theirs. Are you going to be the one to cast the first stone or be one of the blessed peacemakers? Are you going to quote one ancient Levitical law, while ignoring all the others that pertain to you, or are you going to love your neighbor as yourself? Are you wondering, "Where is God's perfection in a person who is gay or lesbian?" Perhaps the perfection that God seeks is in the way you treat the homosexual person. In every religion, they speak of justice, mercy, and compassion. Those lofty concepts are not just some vague abstractions to which we should all, someday, aspire, because any time those high ideals are missing in our society, real pain is caused to real people. And your choice is to search yourself and discover, whether or not you have prejudice in your heart that is causing harm to another human being. And then your choice will be, "What would God want me to do with this prejudice?" Jeff Ellis Fayetteville www.familyacceptance.com
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