Wednesday, January 9, 2002
|
Wednesday, January 9, 2002 |
|
New predictions for the new year By BILLY MURPHEY For the fifth year in a row I make my predictions for the coming year. Jan. 15: Tom Greene and Drew Barrymore officially try to end their marriage only to discover their divorce papers were stolen by Winona Ryder during their New Year's Eve Party. Feb. 3: Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinski make gossip headlines again by accidentally showing up at the same grand opening for a new "All You Can Eat Sizzlin' Steakhouse." Feb. 23: Trying to regain media attention, Gary Condit insinuates that he is responsible for the disappearance of Osama Bin Laden. March 10: Aging Senator Strom Thurmond raises eyebrows concerning his fitness to serve by accidentally appearing in session with his Depends on, outside of his pants. March 29: Hit by a truck, crossing 35th Avenue in Manhattan, Miss Cleo tells ambulance drivers, "She never saw it coming." April 1: Jim Carey's latest try at drama, "The Majestic" is released on DVD and not a single person is fooled into buying a copy. April 17: Still trying to regain media attention, Gary Condit claims he is responsible for Jimmy Hoffa's disappearance. May 5: In anticipation of Mother's Day, twice-maternal Madonna offers to appear nude... anywhere... anytime... May 27: Married barely six months, J.K. Rowling's husband files for a separation due to what he calls, "Her constant quidditching during Dimpledore resulting in him losing the ability to muggle." June 15: Much-traveled John Rocker quits baseball to follow his lifelong ambition of becoming a social worker. July 1: MTV News closes down for 24 hours because for one day, not a single Rap singer is arrested. July 20: Dick Cheney causes a stir by rescheduling his weekly heart attack to attend the Wednesday afternoon funeral of a foreign dignitary. Aug. 16: The Rolling Stones give a rousing performance at their induction into the "Rock'n Roll Hall of Fame" in Cleveland without anyone noticing; they were already inducted eight years ago. Oct. 2: Cloning experts deny responsibility for the startling similarities between Harry Potter and "The Weakest Link's" Ann Robinson. Nov. 17: Wedding Britney Spears, Justin Timberlake joins Michael Jackson and Tom Cruise in the "I'm not gay... see, I got married" club. Dec. 5: In an attempt to boost seasonal sales, marketers add another holiday to the growing list of Kwanzaa, Hanukkah and Christmas, called "Obesia" sponsored by the National Dairy Association, American Council for Pork and the Chocolateers Foundation. [Visit Billy Murphy on the Internet at www.ebilly.net.]
|
||