Wednesday, October 3, 2001
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Wednesday, October 3, 2001 |
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The Wal-Mart cowboy's tale By BILLY MURPHY Once, on the old frontier on the western side of Fayetteville, there was a Wal-Mart. In this town, a cowboy named "Quick Nick" needed some Scotchguard for his trusty Stetson. Only, did Quick Nick have the true grit to go down to the Wal-Mart? There were all sorts of burrs in Nick's path traffic, four-way stops, runaway shopping carts in the parking lot. Quick Nick decided to take his chances, so he corralled his Mustang and headed down to the hustling, bustling little town of a store. The air was thick with the musty smell of leather from tattered purses and wallets open to the waiting checkout girls. As he walked, you could hear the familiar jingle-jangle from the cash registers. The sound made Quick Nick wince from the pain and memory of an incident he once had in a Kmart during a blue light special. Here at the Wal-Mart, there was a sales bonanza going on, and Quick Nick soon found himself being swept along with the stampeding mob. As he passed the Return counter, he scowled at the roundup of riffraff bringing back items without a receipt. Quick Nick was starting to chap at all the noise and confusion. He didn't like being saddled with the task of breaking up this mob but he knew it had to be done. So he pulled out his trusty six-shooter and fired a few rounds in the air. As the dust settled and the crowd quieted you could see children sneaking behind their parents' legs, dogs creeping backward behind shopping carts, the little missies peeking out from behind curtains in the drapery department. "Now listen up!!" hollered Quick Nick, "It's time you people had some law and order." Someone dropped a "Spy Kids" video on the floor. "I don't mean to steer ya wrong," continued Quick Nick, "but, you have all gone loco!" Quick Nick pushed through the crowd, past the good, the bad and the ugly, and continued, "This is just shopping here, it's not about survival or freedom, or the right to get cable TV!" It seemed his lecture was falling on deaf ears, and then suddenly the crowd parted down the aisle like the Red Sea splitting apart for Moses. Quick Nick saw the reason. Down at the other end of the aisle was Bad Bart, associate manager for Wal-Mart. Bad Bart was famous in these here parts. He invented the "20 checkout lines, but only two open" form of payment. Once again it was gonna come down to this, a gunfight. Bad Bart reached for his holster and yelled down to Quick Nick, "You don't stand a chance, pardner, I'm the quickest draw in these here parts." Quick Nick eyed Bart's hand gripping the yellow pricing gun. "Don't do it, Bart," Nick cried. It was too late. With the speed of light, Bad Bart drew and clicked his gun to 25 percent off and starting swiping every item in sight. The crowd exploded. Quick Nick was swallowed up by the frenzied throng. Somewhere in the desert, as the coyotes howl, the legend still grows. Somewhere hushed little boys and girls gather to hear the stories of the once great cowboy Quick Nick. Somewhere still, hidden away, Quick Nick yet lives, and breaths and watches... watches on the 35-inch color TV, he got for a steal. [Visit Billy Murphy on the Internet at http://www.ebilly.net.]
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