Wednesday, August 15, 2001
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Wednesday, August 15, 2001 |
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Embracing the curse . . . By BILLY MURPHY A smart guy once said, "By the time a man can read a woman like a book, he's too old to collect a library." Well, I'm not that old, and besides, my library card was revoked a few years back. Nevertheless, I have a few theories about females. But like my speculations on "Does Tom Cruise like show tunes," my theories are mostly benign. It never keeps me from sharing them, though. Currently my theory is that women are masochists. Whether it is guilt or neuroses or just years or wearing too-tight panty hose, females work way too hard at self-improvement! I know, most women are saying, "Yeah, we should be like you guys, reclining in your Lazy Boy, eating Cheese Doodles, and drinking flat Coke out of a jelly jar." OK, "we men" aren't the perfect model...but still! OK, here it is. In the beginning there was this sin thing; a serious thing, but still, man and woman had to go on with their lives. The curse, the payment for this sin, was simple. The man had to work and the woman had to give birth. This worked fine for thousands of years. Then lately (the last 50 years or so) women, I guess, didn't feel like "their" curse was enough, so they went and joined us in ours. They went to work. I know, I know, it's too late to complain about it now. Like telling Robert Downey Jr. to get straight or trying to get the Spam back in the can, women working is not going to change. The point I am making is, women just seem to make it harder on themselves than it should be. The examples are endless: Faith Hill finally makes it big and she gets the worst haircut this side of Lyle Lovett (was being a perfect 10 just not good enough?). Ally McBeal tops the ratings and Calista Flockhart decides it a good time to adopt "famine chic." Ellen finally makes it to the top and then she decides to open up her undies drawer (thinking of Ellen making out with any gender is rather disturbing). And Joan of Arc? She's the poster child for every woman who ever ruined a great dating relationship with the "time to get serious" talk. How about the infamous Mother-Daughter relationship? Why do women put themselves through this bit of anguish? Why is it that seemingly normal, adjusted, kindred females, when together, turn into mutual chastisers? From the time any daughter ever hears her mother say, "You're not going to wear that, are you?" the course has been laid. It's like the old philosophical question, "If your mother and Anne Robinson of the 'Weakest Link' were both drowning and you could only save one of them, would you have lunch or go to a movie?" Women could learn a lesson from men here, Most of us guys only pay attention enough to be able to find our dads if we lost him in crowd at the bowling alley. As fast as a celebrity can check into rehab, women can find another way to push, pain or punish themselves. For every jerk guy Gary Condit, there seem to be 10 women who publicly announce they have slept with him. I haven't even begun to list all the things women do to make themselves physically perfect. Men only hope to look a little better than David Crosby on a bad day. And the true sign of the extended curse females impose on themselves? Men wear boxers, women wear thongs. [Visit Billy Murphy on the Internet at http://ebilly.net.]
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