Wednesday, August 8, 2001
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Wednesday, August 8, 2001 |
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Tried Coke for these problems? By BILLY MURPHY Being a true Southerner means you have two beverage choices: ice tea or Coca-Cola. In this fast-paced, wait-for-nothing world, the former is going the way of the Crockpot and the latter is all prepackaged, drive-through satisfaction. Coke has had a long history of tempting the taste buds, (if not the whole chemical balance) of men, women and children alike. In 1886 Coke simply advertised, "Drink Coca-Cola." By the first decade of the 20th century the soft drink company became bold enough to say, "Delicious and Refreshing" and "Good to the Last Drop." One hundred years later we are all still hooked, literally. In 1905, Coke's motto was, "Coca-Cola Revives and Sustains." Even though this sounds more like a 21st century ad for Viagra, any of us who have formed a bond with caffeine know just how true that statement is. At my house I refer to the caffeine pick-me-up as "Daddy's little helper." Yet, it's not until I get the excruciating headaches after two days of cold turkey that my attitude towards the most popular soft drink in the world changes. I am sure any soft drink company would deny that their product causes headaches, but I have tested it. Caffeine is addictive. Luckily, like all addicts, I think my problem is small by comparison. In the '20s, Coke's motto was "Thirst Knows No Season," then "Around the Corner from Everywhere" (obviously a precursor for Starbucks), and then one of the most famous tag lines in their history, "The Pause that Refreshes." Ironically, this last motto came out the year the stock market crashed and the depression started. If only Coke could have been ready, and filled every water tower in the country with their soft drink. Instead of all those bankers jumping out of windows, they would only have been bouncing off the walls. I have recently received a neat piece of propaganda in e-mails called, "Water vs. Coke." It lays out all the benefits of drinking water and lists all these terrible things about Coca-Cola and its ingredients. Like, for instance, "the active ingredient in Coke is phosphoric acid. Its pH is 2.8 and it will dissolve a nail in about four days." Or, To carry Coca-Cola syrup (the concentrate) the commercial truck must use the "Hazardous Material" place cards reserved for "Highly Corrosive Materials." I don't know if those statements are true, but the e-mail has lots of tips on how to use Coke too: "To remove grease from clothes, empty a can of Coke into a load of greasy clothes, add detergent, and run through a regular cycle. The Coca-Cola will help loosen grease stains. It will also clean road haze from your windshield." Also, "To clean a toilet, pour a can of Coca-Cola into the toilet bowl and let the 'real thing' sit for one hour, then flush clean. The citric acid in Coke removes stains from vitreous china." My favorite is, "To clean corrosion from car battery terminals, pour a can of Coca-Cola over the terminals to bubble away the corrosion." Some might find these facts(?) frightening, but water is no cup of tea either. I don't know anyone who's ever skidded out of control on a road slick with Coke, and water kills thousands a year by drowning. The '60s were the golden years of Coca-Cola mottos, with "Things Go Better With Coke," and "It's the Real Thing." I guess they came up with the "real thing" ad campaign, lest the soft drink be confused with WD-40. "Coke is It," became the company's statement of purpose in the '80s and only hit a bump during the "New Coke" era. "Always Coca-Cola" has carried us through the last few years and seems to be Coke's infinite destiny. That is, until Pepsi can make a better soft drink, degreaser and toilet bowl cleaner. [Visit Billy Murphy on the Internet at www.ebilly.net.]
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