Wednesday, August 1, 2001
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Wednesday, August 1, 2001 |
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Disclaimers By BILLY MURPHY Warning: The most common side effects of reading this column are nausea, dizziness, shortness of breath, dry mouth and the desire to put your underwear on backwards.
The most lucrative job in the world today must be that of the "disclaimer" lawyer. If you invent something, discover something, create something, the first thing you have to do, is protect yourself from the liability suit by writing a limit of liability or disclaimer statement. Prompted by the fact that people today have found a way to sue every possible institution, company, or government agency, our society has become The United Safeguards of America. It was only a matter of time that someone sued "Who Wants to be a Millionaire." A guy claims that the question Regis asked him was worded in a way that was confusing. I needed that guy's lawyer when I was in high school. Warning: This student may appear drowsy and lifeless under normal classroom circumstances. For some reason, about the same time Milli and Vanilli were being exposed, the disclaimer sticker started appearing on every product and service in the country. I can recall going to play paint ball and they made you sigh a waver that had the disclaimer, "May result in death." I don't know why all companies don't just use this one. After you've put that on what you're selling, everything else would pretty much be something good. Nevertheless, today, every toy, pill, and device has some sort of limit of liability statement. It seems though that a lot of things that should have disclaimer statements, don't. How much easier would my life have been if every girl I dated would have come with her own warning label. Caution: May develop indifferent and apathetic attitude after months of extreme exposure to politeness and respect. Caution: May cause severe anxiety, mental stress, including depression. Caution: Do not operate a vehicle or heavy machinery for the risk of nagging headache or nagging in general. All sorts of things still need disclaimers, now that I think of it. A new puppy. Warning: Do not overfill liquid chamber, may leave puddles. Online romances. Caution: Objects (of affection) may appear larger in real life. CBS' "Survivor." Warning: May cause offers for nudity from Playboy. Dieting. Side effects include irritability, cravings and the desire to murder Richard Simmons. Old Age. Caution: May result in loose skin, loss of control, relatives seeking estate, and thankfully, positively, death. The "disclaimer era" has been brought about by our society's obsession with making everything equal for everyone. Somewhere, somehow, people have decided that every bad thing that happens should find someone guilty of negligence. "Someone should pay for my bad luck or misfortune and I should get something for it." We have become so mechani-sized that human error no longer seems to be an option, and worse, it results in hyperbolic compensation for the injured parties. Neither is personal human error acceptable any longer and companies must pay when they have done nothing wrong or intentional (See "Burned Thighs vs. McDonalds"). This is why everyone has a disclaimer for everything, to protect themselves. And this brings us full circle, which I must warn you, causes dizziness and loss of lunch. [Visit Billy Murphy at www.ebilly.net.]
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