Wednesday, May 16, 2001
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Wednesday, May 16, 2001 |
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'Rules for Republicans' needs some work By DAVE HAMRICK Someone e-mailed me 21 tongue-in-cheek rules for being a good little Republican in 21st century America. I find myself in an interesting position. I'm not a Republican, though it's no secret I'm a conservative and therefore tend to agree with Republicans more often than Democrats. I'm also often frustrated when Republicans' actions don't match their words. I still end up supporting them, though. It's kind of like this: One guy offers you $100, but when you open the envelope, there's only $50 inside. The other guy offers you $1,000, but when you open the envelope, there's nothing inside and, when you look up, he's gone ... and so is your wallet. Anyway, I found these rules for being a good Republican interesting enough to deserve a reply. I can't speak for Republicans, because I'm not one. These are just my observations as an independent conservative. Wish I could give credit to the author, but in the e-mail I got, he/she was anonymous.
Twenty-one rules for being a good little Republican in 21st century America 1) You have to believe that the nation's current eight-year prosperity was due entirely to the work of Ronald Reagan and George Bush, but yesterday's gas prices are all Clinton's fault. Neither Reagan nor Bush nor Clinton had very much to do with the nation's economic health (though Reagan's tax cuts certainly provided a helpful little push). Our prosperity comes from people willing to take risks and work hard. Lack of a coherent energy policy has contributed to the gas situation. This lack of policy existed before Clinton, and it existed after Clinton, though perhaps to a greater degree. 2) You have to believe that those privileged from birth achieve success all on their own. Most people who are wealthy were not privileged from birth. That's a fact. And for those who were, some have achieved their own success and some have been slugs living off the success of their parents. I can think of a few examples up in the People's Republic of Massachusetts. No names, but it rhymes with "Fennedy." Anyway, what does any of that have to do with being Republican or Democrat? 3) You have to be against government programs, but expect your Social Security checks on time. I'm not against all government programs, but I am definitely against Social Security. Why Fayette County teachers who aren't already enslaved to that program want to be part of it is completely beyond me. But, since I've been forced to pay into it for 29 years, you bet your booties I want my check, and I pray I live long enough to get all of it back plus the 2 percent interest the average person gets. I also don't want my benefits reduced if I should have to work past age 65. 4) You have to believe that government should stay out of people's lives, yet you want government to regulate only opposite-gender marriages and what your official language should be. I believe that government should stay out of people's lives except when those people are harming other people, or when the government is supporting those people. Whoever supports you controls you ... that's a fact of life. Meanwhile, marry whomever you want that's between you and him/her and God. Get a group of 100 Republicans together (without skewing the group from the religious right), and I'd bet at least half of them would agree with that statement. 5) You have to believe that pollution is OK, so long as it makes a profit. What a cartoonish simplification! Nobody believes that pollution is OK. On the other hand, we can't exist on this earth without polluting it. Somewhere, there's a balance between the idea that all humans should die so we'll stop polluting the earth and the idea that ruining the water, air and land is a justifiable cost of doing business. I don't suggest that you believe all humans should die. Don't suggest that I believe pollution is "OK," and maybe we can actually have some meaningful dialogue. 6) You have to believe in prayer in schools, as long as people don't pray to Allah, Krishna or Buddha. Sorry, conservatives, but I agree in large part with this one. Of course you can pray in public school, but if you want school-sponsored Christian prayer, send your kids to a Christian school. If you want school-sponsored Buddhist prayer, send your kids to a Buddhist school. 7) You have to believe that only your own teenagers are still virgins. I'm not sure what this has to do with anything political. I guess to answer it in like manner I'd have to say: Oh yeah, well your mother wears combat boots! 8) You have to believe that women cannot be trusted with decisions about their own bodies, but that large multinational corporations should have no regulation or interference whatsoever. Again with the absolutes. Nobody believes that corporations should be completely unregulated. Again, we're all looking for balance. As for women and their bodies, there's a legitimate argument about whether we're talking about one's own body or one's perfectly alive, perfectly human unborn child. Characterizing the antiabortion argument as believing that women can't be trusted with decisions about their bodies is intellectually dishonest and just plain stupid. 9) You know you love Jesus and that Jesus loves you and that Jesus shares your hatred of AIDS victims, homosexuals, and President Clinton. This one's not worthy of a response. 10) You have to believe that society is colorblind and growing up black in America doesn't diminish your opportunities, but you still won't vote for Alan Keyes. A lot of Republicans did vote for Alan Keyes. I didn't. He's too conservative for me. 11) You have to believe that it was wise to allow Ken Starr to spend $50 million to attack Clinton because no other U.S. presidents have ever been unfaithful to their wives. It was wise to investigate Clinton's actions because no other U.S. presidents have ever been proven to have committed perjury. However, it wasn't wise to get so sidetracked by that investigation that they didn't work harder on the one about how he sold U.S. nuclear secrets to the Chinese in exchange for campaign contributions. 12) You have to believe that a waiting period for purchasing a handgun is bad because quick access to a new firearm is an important concern for all Americans. Most conservatives, and I think most Republicans, don't oppose reasonable waiting periods. Those who do are opposed because they know of cases where people for instance wives trying to leave their abusive husbands have been killed while waiting for the government, which couldn't protect them, to let them have some protection of their own. 13) You have to believe it is wise to keep condoms out of schools, because we all know if teenagers don't have condoms they won't have sex. Hmmm. It's perfectly all right for the government to counsel our children about sex, but not all right for the government to lead a prayer. I've already agreed with the latter. The former isn't the government's job either. 14) You have to believe that the American Civil Liberties Union is bad because it defends the Constitution, while the National Rifle Association is good because it defends the Constitution. The ACLU and the NRA are neither bad nor good. They both are sometimes on the right side of arguments over the Constitution, and sometimes on the wrong side. The ACLU would defend the NRA's right to promote gun ownership, and the NRA would defend an ACLU member's right to own a gun. Where's the problem? 15) You have to believe that socialism hasn't worked anywhere, and that Europe doesn't exist. In other words, who cares whether people are free, as long as the trains run on time. Some European countries have had limited success with modified versions of socialism in societies that don't value freedom as highly as we do. I prefer freedom. 16) You have to believe the AIDS virus is not important enough to deserve federal funding proportionate to the resulting death rate and that the public doesn't need to be educated about it, because if we just ignore it, it will go away. The death rates from colon cancer, breast cancer and heart disease are all much higher than that from AIDS, yet the demands for AIDS research funding are way OUT of proportion with the death rate, comparatively. 17) You have to believe that biology teachers are corrupting the morals of sixth graders if they teach them the basics of human sexuality, but the Bible, which is full of sex and violence, is good reading. Again, if you don't want your children to learn about biology, which includes reproduction, from government-paid teachers, put them in a private school. But most conservatives and Republicans, I think, would limit the biology teacher to teaching the biological facts, not discussing morality, pro or con. I would concur. 18) You have to believe that Chinese communist missiles have killed more Americans than private handguns, alcohol and tobacco. Another non sequitur. The one has absolutely nothing to do with the other. But I'm curious ... is this author saying we should limit access to alcohol and tobacco? Perhaps a five-day waiting period? 19) You have to believe that even though governments have supported the arts for 5,000 years and that most of the great works of Renaissance art were paid for by governments, our government should shun any such support. After all, the rich can afford to buy their own and the poor don't need any. As stated earlier, he who supports you controls you. How many great works of art in the past never saw the light of day because the king or his regent didn't like them? Why is the concept of freedom so hard for you people to grasp? 20) You have to believe that the lumber from the last 1 percent of old growth U.S. forests is well worth the destruction of those forests and the extinction of the several species of plants and animals therein. I'm getting tired now. You're arguing with one-tenth of 1 percent of conservatives. Most of us are only looking for balance, but this author can only understand absolutes. 21) You have to believe that we should forgive and pray for Newt Gingrich, Henry Hyde and Bob Livingston for their marital infidelities, but that bastard Clinton should be impeached. It's not my place to forgive or not forgive the former president for his marital infidelities. He didn't do it to me. What he did do to me is promote the idea that you can commit perjury and get away with it, something I am cheerfully willing to forgive him for ... after he's paid the price you or I would have to pay.
So there you have it. Next week, if I can get creative enough, I'll come up with a few "rules for being a good little Democrat in 21st century America," or perhaps I'll use the "You know you're a liberal Democrat if ..." format. Either way, it should be fun.
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