Wednesday, December 13, 2000

By BILLY MURPHY
Laugh Lines

I want to take a break from my Christmas columns and shoot from the heart and write from the hip. I have never liked the rudeness of the word "shut up," I much prefer the French translation, "fermi la douché." Yet, just like Mark Twain (or was it Samuel Clemens) said of cursing, "Bad words are like the flag, they should be displayed only on special occasions and then so, with enthusiasm." So I have something I have been wanting to say to some people for awhile: "Just shut up."

To the guy in the commercial, the one who pronounces the luxury car, "Jag-YOU-are," just shut up. Seems to me the wild cat might have been around a little longer than the automobile and the former pronunciation has worked well for years.

To all the liberals who have complained for years that the police profile minorities on drug busts and now are complaining that police are picking on the rich, since the bust of actor, Robert Downey Jr., just shut up. Are you only going to be happy when every single prisoner in every single prison is the middle-class white male? Where will your taxes come from then?

Larry King, just shut up. Charlie Rose, just shut up. Rosie O'Donnell, just shut up. Madonna, just shut up. Dan Rather, just shut up. Actors talking politics, just shut up. Musicians talking world peace, just shut up. Professional athletes talking about anything that takes intelligence, just shut up. Anyone wanting to make a "Shout Out," just shut up.

To anyone under 30 who makes a salary in the triple digits and talks how hard they had it growing up, just shut up. Lisa Ling from "The View" comes to mind. I read an article where she talks about how her Asian heritage caused so much pain for her in her young life. Just shut up. Lisa, you would not have the job you have except that you are young, Asian and beautiful. Try fat Lisa, try poor Lisa, just shut up. Not to pick on you, Lisa, one of the first symptoms of celebrity is to complain about how "hard" you have it.

There are lots of ways to say shut up. "Be quiet" is pious. "Hush" is average. "Shhhh" is oh, so librarian. There have even been songs that extol the importance of holding your tongue: "(Hush, hush,) Voices Carry" or "Shut Up and Kiss Me." With the exception of perfect student Cindy Hardie from my high school, I think that all of us have at least one time in life been instructed to "keep it down." Whispering won't work and sign language is not good enough; just shut up.

To the movie critics who liked "Blair Witch Project," and to the movie critics who didn't like "Charlie' Angels," just shut up. To that crocodile hunter guy, just shut up, but not before you irritate a cobra so much that he bites you in the face. People on VH1's "Behind the Music," talking about your "former" (yeah right) drug addictions, just shut up. Anyone on MTV's "Real World," just shut up. Kelsey Grammar on "Frasier," le shut up. Ricky Martin, "Livin' La Vida Shut Up." Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen, shut-up-shut-up.

I am sure there's a lot more "noise" to complain about, but now I will stop, and say it in the most festive way possible. "Peace on Earth."

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