By BILLY MURPHY
Laugh Lines

I keep hearing people talk about Al Gore selecting a vice-president, but I thought we already had that in Bill Clinton. I think Gore should select an anti-vice president. Anyway, the whole concept of the vice-president is pretty stupid to me. Like the SUV, the vice-presidency is bourgeois and needs to be gone. There are plenty of better alternatives.

Why not have a second-string team like in football. Just let the vice-president walk around everywhere the president goes and carry a clipboard and wear a headset like in the NFL. And if the president is really doing bad on a particular day, they would just take him out of the summit meeting or whatever and put in the sub. Or, if we have a big lead in a world conference or something, just send the president to the showers and let the “supporter-back” mop up the rest of the game.

Or instead of a vice-president, have a “relief” pitcher president. Anytime the president looks like he is not making any headway, to motivate him to get off his duff and perform, you just have the relief-president start warming up in the bullpen (“Bull” pen, by the way, could be redundant for any place there is a group of politicians). A Bobby Cox-like manager would go out and say, “If you don’t get that export tariff lifted in the next five minutes, you are out of here.”

What kind of masochist could a person be to seek the office of vice-president anyway? Does he forgo (Or is it forgoe?) watching “ER” in favor of “Chicago Hope?” Does he root for Wile E. Coyote? Is his favorite comedy routine, “Who’s on first, what’s on second?” Did he grow up under a more popular brother or sister and have to wear hand-me-downs? Does he save money by always buying seconds?

I am not one to second-guess the vice-president on his career choices, and maybe for him this job is second nature. Some people, I guess, like playing second fiddle or being second banana, even though they would be seen as a second-class citizen in the political world. I would turn down the job in a split-second, but on second thought, if you played your cards right second time around and got your second wind you might make it to being president.

The toughest part of being vice-president would be when it was obvious to everyone in the free world that you were superior to your president. This could be the situation with Dick Cheney playing v.p. to George W. Bush. Dick would probably just serve to complete all the president’s sentences. You could see a foreign affairs meeting like:

George W: “It’s time we told those, those....” Cheney: “Cubans.”
George W: “Told those Cubans... that we already gave them... gave them....” Cheney: “Elian Gonzalez.”
George W: “Yeah... and that we don’t take lightly ... uh....” Cheney: “Communism.”
George W: “Yeah. After all, they are right off the coast of... coast of...” Cheney: “Florida.”

When you think of it, the office of vice-president could be made completely more efficient. Drop the Secret Service, just have him walk in front of the president and taste his food. When you really think of it, the best choice for vice-president in the history of our country was Dan Quayle. He was completely expendable. To me, the whole idea of the office would be that the v.p. could be easily and quickly replaced, sorta like when Keith Moon used to fall over drunk at every other Who concert and they would just get any guy out of the audience to take his place.

Every fourth episode of “Who Wants to be a Millionaire” could be changed to, “Who Wants to Be Vice President.” Even better, the person who is the last “Survivor,” he or she would be fit for the job. Or most likely, like Dick Cheney, overqualified.

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