By BILLY MURPHY
Laugh Lines

I am traveling to Los Angeles as I write this and the world news looks the same on this side of the country. Over here, though, more of it passes you by while you are in your car stuck in traffic.

Speaking of traffic, what irony that the only two women in the Indy 500 not only crashed, but crashed into each other. I am sure Jay Leno has beaten me to the punch for all the good “women driving” jokes, yet the first thought that struck me was — I bet the 19-year-old woman driver was putting on her makeup and the 52-year-old was on the cell phone.

Either way, it is doubtful women will ever be a real challenge to men in a race where men can just drive round and round in circles, which we seem to be suited for anyway. Women would, however, win hands down in a race that required men to read a map or ask for directions.

It's been big in the news about Dana Carvey's botched bypass surgery. What? He's not dead? Well, maybe his career. Actually, he was very funny recently on the celebrity “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire.” It looks like he is going to be fine now and maybe cheat the Saturday Night Live death curse. If you haven't heard, they did a bypass surgery on his heart and bypassed the wrong artery.

Once I had the cable man route the coaxial into the wrong room and I thought that was bad. Can you imagine having your chest cracked open, spending weeks in recovery and rehabilitation, finally come home and go... “You know, I still can't walk up the stairs without needing CPR.” At least with the cable guy, he gave me a month free of HBO. Carvey was given a free, all expense trip to... angioplasty.

Speaking of HBO, I want to finish with some comments on the cable-channel's sitcom, “Sex in the City.” I don't get HBO, but travel enough that I have seen the glam-porn show. It's not that's it really pornographic as much as it is porno-moronic.

Sarah Jessica Parker, who was an original “Annie,” has given a new meaning to the song, “It's A Hard Knock Life,” all the while, wearing incredibly fashionable outfits that get left on the floor more than a 6-year-old child's toys. The whole bunch of these women are like a bad Penthouse fantasy letter: they are immensely beautiful, incredibly smart and will sleep with any man who owns a full set of teeth and a Mastercard. Yeah, this is realistic.

This show is like “Petticoat Junction” if it were written by Hugh Hefner. Instead of all the girls talking about silly boy things, these women talk about things that would make a construction worker blush. Of course, if there was a construction worker in the show, by the end of the episode Kim Catrell would have him tied to the bed begging for his “mommy.”

Right now, I can see a million guys heading to New York City expecting to find one of these “dream” girls. But come on, this is New York City, you better remember the essentials, plenty of cab fare and ... penicillin. “If I can catch it there, I'll share it everywhere.” Dream on, people, and just go back to watching a show grounded much more in realism, “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire.”

[Visit Billy Murphy on the Internet at http://ebilly.net.]

Back to Opinion Home Page | Back to the top of the page