By PAT NEWMAN
pnewman@thecitizennews.com

Imagine never having to buy another pair of sunglasses for the rest of your life!

With my recent purchase of the Mojave Convertible Eyewear collection, I'm ready for any weather condition until death do us part.

My six lenses arrived Saturday in a nifty zippered pouch with the fashionable black sport frames and the stylish silvertone frames as an added bonus for placing my order promptly.

Now I can ski, fish, drive, garden, compute and watch television in total comfort. If I double up the lenses, I bet I can even see through brick buildings. Of course the lenses are made of the highest quality polycarbonate, making them resistant to scratching, breaking or chewing by wild or domesticated animals. A 300-pound body builder can even hit them with a sledgehammer and they'll remain intact.

I'm sure you're dying to know how to get your own Mojave shades. Just switch on your TV Saturday morning, and after some brief channel surfing, you too can be the proud owner of sunglasses just like mine by picking up the phone and making three easy payments of $19.99. Such a deal.

It's been years since I've been seduced by a TV infomercial. My boys have begged for the Banjo Minnow kit and various knife collections, but I've always resisted. I admit, I almost fell for the simulated jeweled Trifari cheetah pin a couple months ago during an especially disturbing bout of insomnia, but maintained self control.

The amazing paint stick was my last tried and true purchase. The huckster promised I could completely paint an average size room in less time than it took to open the darn paint can and stir. Of course, if I acted quickly, I would also receive the mini paint stick for those hard-to-reach spots, a paint stick extender, a how-to video and a life time warranty.

I have to admit, the paint stick was neat, but not speedy. In fact, it took me longer to work my way around the living room with the amazing paint stick, stopping every five minutes to refill the little tube thing, than it normally did with the cheapest roller. The amazing paint stick has been converted into the amazing cobweb sweeper complete with stick extender.

I expect my Mojave eyewear will have a better life, as will I. By using the special polarized grey lens, I will be able to see fish underwater. The amber lens promises to make even the darkest day sunny. My personal favorite is the ultra mauve lens for serious TV viewing.

If I'm lucky, the cheetah pin may still be in back inventory.

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