By BILLY MURPHY
Laugh Lines

We all have fears of certain things. These are called phobias. Technically, a phobia is a fear that is illogical or irrational. Being afraid in some instances is good. As a child we learn, correctly, that we should be fearful when we cross the street.

Yet, in some instances our fears can become ridiculous (for instance, when a person is afraid of entering an elevator). Even worse, when a person enters an elevator and is afraid, someone there had onions for lunch, or someone else will say, “Does this look infected to you?” Or, someone else will say, “I'm not just a Jehovah's Witness, I'm an Amway salesman, too.”

Personally, I just have a fear of getting a phobia. Could this be called phobaphobia? Here are some of the ones I have had lately. Maybe you have them, too?

ALABAMAPHOBIA — The fear that your family reunion's theme this year is “Let's Play the Dating Game.” CATHERINE-ZETA-JONESAPHOBIA — Previously unnamed fear of every woman married to a man going through a mid-life crisis and desiring a younger woman.

GOODGODAPHOBIA — Fear of finding a hair in your soup, then discovering James Brown is your waiter and Don King is your cook.

FRENCH-ZOMBIAPHOBIA — Fear that walking dead not only have come from the grave but desire big, wet, sloppy kisses.

ROKERAPHOBIA — Waking up in the middle of the night and fearing that the person lying under the covers, next to you in bed is a burly TV weatherman.

BUBBLEAPHOBIA — While trying to impress a girl in the swimming pool, fear that you will get one of those huge air bags in the front of your bathing trunks.

AD NAUSEAMPHOBIA — Fear you get in church when minister is still talking 20 minutes after he has said, “In conclusion....”

INTERNETAPHOBIA — Fear shared by every person 45 or older.

ACMEAPHOBIA — Fear that maladroit manufacturing company will finally develop product that enables coyote to seize and devour roadrunner.

DRABAPHOBIA — Fear of UPS deliverymen wearing brown uniform shirts, shorts, socks and shoes.

BUTTAPHOBIA — Fear of being at the end of every joke found in America (see also, Goreitis, Venturatenza, Gates Syndrome and originator, Michael Jackson Disease).

DAVIDCROSBYAPHOBIA — Fear an overweight reformed drug addicted convicted felon will volunteer to father your child.

PHOTOPHOBIA — Fear, while looking through someone's family album, they say, “Hurry up, we have seven more to go.”

HILLARYAPHOBIA — Fear of encountering Arkansasian trollop that results in catastrophic life events (e.g., Bill Clinton, Vince Foster, Web Hubbell, James McDougal and David Letterman).

ANOREXAPHOBIA — Fear of losing weight found among obese, death row inmates.

ORWELLAPHOBIA — Fear your pet will turn the tables on you by holding you down and tickling your stomach or turning your ears inside out.

[Visit Billy Murphy on the Internet at http://billymurphy.homepage.com.]

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