Important Notes for New Parents

My friend at the fire department just had his first baby, and my buddy in the real estate business, did too.

Both had little girls. The babies and moms are doing fine. To say the new dads don’t have a clue would be an understatement.

He’s a great paramedic, saves lives every day. He’s a great real estate person, sold us our new house. But when it comes to taking care of baby? Well, let’s just say, neither knows their way around a diaper.

So to help them out with their new bundles of joy, yours truly has come up with a few tips. Unlike computers, digital cameras, or plasma televisions, babies don’t come with instruction. So here are just a few of the many helpful things I have learned being a dad.

When changing baby boys, you need two diapers, not one. Don’t ask why, just trust me on this and get the second one ready when you’re changing the first. And babies find the need to spit up. It doesn’t matter if they are sick, happy, or excited to see you after you’ve worked a 10-hour day – they’ll spit up.

They’ll sit on Dad’s shoulders hanging onto his hair watching a parade go by and spit up. They’ll spit up right after drinking their first Coke. And if they’re spun around too much or thrown up in the air too many times, they’ll really spit up. Basically babies spit up, so get ready. They don’t call them receiving blankets for nothing.

Babies can scream and cry so loudly that the neighbors will complain to animal control that you are torturing stray cats again. For you soon-to-be new moms, if you have long hair, cut it now. If you want to know the reason, just refer to the third paragraph above. For you soon-to-be new dads, work as much overtime as you can now. Diapers are expensive, and your new bundle of joy will soon go through a pant load. Sorry about that one.

Also expensive are baby toys, strollers, car seats, the “must have” designer baby furniture, baby outfits, baby pictures and, of course, new shirts for you. Believe me, spit up on a shirt is not the new “in” fashion. Special note: On the side of the diaper box, it reads: five to 10 pounds — this is NOT how much the diaper must weight before you change it.

Very important: Sesame Street comes on twice during the day, at 2 and 4, and Cookie Monster is by far the coolest. This is nap time for the new mom and dad. Use it wisely; it may be the only sleep you get all day — and night.

When the phone rings, baby thinks it’s the signal to be REALLY LOUD. Nap time for baby means nap time for mom and dad? Nope, it’s clean-up time. And after speaking baby talk all day, when you go out shopping, remember you’re talking to adults.

Baby sisters aren’t paid nearly enough and, for that matter, neither are new moms. Very important for new dads: when you get home, take over watching baby for a while so your wife can get out of the house and have some down time. Believe it or not, running around taking care of baby all day will wear you out.

As baby gets a little older and moves out of your room into the nursery, get a radio monitor. When baby learns to walk, make sure you lock the bathroom door, and before you take a shower, double-check to make sure it’s locked.

After weeks of encouragement, you and your wife will cheer to baby’s first step, and then you’ll spend the next five years saying, “Stop running in the house,” “Quit jumping on the furniture,” and my favorite, “Can’t you stand still for one minute?”

Grandparents will feed your kids the very same junk food they wouldn’t feed you when you were a kid, then give them back to you all sugared up.

We all have the same amount of energy as a toddler who can run around for hours without being tired. The only difference is that for adults, the energy is spread out over a larger body and we don’t last as long. At least that’s my theory. When was nap time again?

You will be a more alert driver even when baby is still at home with mom. You’ll realize that there’s no telling how many new parents out there driving around with only three hours of sleep each night. Safety note: Babies should be placed in the center of the back seat and ride facing the rear of the car for the first 12 months and until they reach 20 pounds.

You’re not out of the woods when baby gets out of diapers either. Case in point: check all pockets BEFORE you wash. You’ll be interested in what you’ll find, and it will save you from buying new pants or a new washer.

In pockets you will find little green army men, an assortment of hard candy, M&Ms, Gummy Bears, one piece of gum, a whole pack of gum, marbles, jacks, small rocks, large rocks, and dirt clods.

But my favorite thing to find in pockets was live little green lizards. You can spend most part of the afternoon trying to catch a two-inch lizard and get him out of the house before ...

Then again, for all you new moms out there, if you want a new washing machine, just don’t check the pockets.