When it’s OK to use this word

One day while we were lunching, Merri Grace and I ran into an acquaintance who, at the age of 36, had just gotten married.

“Congratulations!” I said cheerfully. “I hope you’ll be very happy.”

The woman had barely left our table when Merri Grace chided me in that imperious and, yes, a bit condescending way she has when she has caught me in a breach of etiquette (though I would never remind her of how she forgot to RSVP for Dixie Dew’s last birthday party).

“Oh, Ronda!” She shook her head disapprovingly. “You never congratulate a woman on getting married! You give her best wishes and you congratulate the man because he was able to win her.”

I rolled my eyes, completely unfazed by the upbraiding. “Merri Grace, if you only knew how hard that woman has worked to get a husband, you’d put a ‘Congratulations’ banner across her chest. Eisenhower didn’t put as much time into strategizing for the Normandy invasion as she has put into finding a man who’d marry her.”

Not for one minute do I think that I over-dramatized that analogy. Honestly, she has been on a mission with a zest and determination that would serve the FBI very well. In her purse, she carried a paper that listed her mission statement and strategic objectives. It worked so she deserved to be congratulated.

At another lunch with a friend in Washington, D.C., she was lamenting over her college love who, 15 years ago, broke their engagement three weeks before the wedding.

“He ruined my life,” she huffed. “I’m almost 40 years old and I haven’t been in a serious relationship since. I know it’s all because of him because he created all these trust issues I have to deal with.”

The huffing then turned to wailing. “I’ll never get married. And all because that idiot ruined my life.”

I started laughing. That was like throwing gasoline on a raging fire. Her face darkened.

“Why are you laughing?”

“If you think he ruined your life, you ought to see the woman who got him. Now, that is truly a ruined life!”

That’s the truth if it has ever been spoken. The woman he married has gained a hundred pounds since they married – no doubt eating out of misery – is ragged with stringy hair and dark circles under the eyes and she rarely smiles. She’s had one nervous breakdown and, if the conversations I’ve had with her recently are any indication, is hovering dangerously close to a second one.

On the other hand, my friend who claims her life is “ruined” is a successful journalist and looks as good today as she did 15 years ago when this “life destroying” event occurred. Though Merri Grace would undoubtedly frown upon it, I think this single woman should be congratulated because she is, by far, the victor in this game.

Getting married isn’t all that some women have it cracked up to be. (One of those women would be my mother).

“You need you a husband to share this beautiful home with,” my sweet aunt said as she toured my new house.

I just smiled. Then, silently, I congratulated myself because, even without a husband, I am able to have the home I want.

And you know what? I didn’t mind at all being congratulated. In fact, I rather liked it.

[Ronda Rich is the best-selling author of “What Southern Women Know About Flirting” and “The Town That Came A-Courtin’.” She lives in Gainesville, Ga. E-mail her at southswomen@bellsouth.net.]