Coupon Man

Despite gazillion-dollar bailouts, let’s face it: Our economy is still in a downturn. Experts state the bottom is near and should be reached this year. Unfortunately what they don’t want to tell you is that the bottom is actually a cliff. And with one look at our bank account and stock portfolio statements, The Wife and I are about to take the plunge. Desperate times call for desperate measures. Coupon Man has made a return to save the day.

Gone are the days of eating out twice a week. Gone are all the pizzas delivered to our door in 30 minutes or less. And yes, gone are those University of Georgia season football tickets on the 50-yard line. Not really — I don’t have any football tickets, but if I did, they’d be gone.

“We either have to make more money, or find a way not to spend as much.” When The Wife heard this statement, she said that I was brilliant and good old Ben better watch out for his job.

Bolstered by her confidence, I laid out an economic stimulus plan that would soon have us back in the ranks of the middle class. She smiled and reminded me that another name for the middle class was the working class. I wonder ... if the working class is out of work, then who is it that pays all the bills?

Not deterred, I pulled out the Sunday newspaper and my new coupon cutter. Even though the coupon cutter is pink, I felt like a real man as it slashed its way through the paper. Spend a little time clipping coupons, sort them, drive all over town buying stuff we’ll never use and we’ll save a ton of cash.

The Wife wanted to make sure that “we” really meant me. I assured her that it did and to please call me by my alter-ego name of Coupon Man. I continued to cut coupons out on her fancy leather top table in the office. Most of the next day Coupon Man traveled around to five different stores with his shoebox full of economic stimulus package taking advantage of the best deals in town.

Anything that was two for one, Coupon Man bought. Whether we actually used it or not didn’t matter – what did was the fact that it was buy one and get one free and there was a coupon for an additional 75 cents off in the shoebox. Ten boxes of Raisin Bran meant five were free. Hot dogs were buy five, get two free, so I did — the fact that we never eat hot dogs never slowed me down.

That yucky yogurt flavor that no one ever eats and ends up being thrown away – Coupon Man bought $10 worth. It seems that if it’s off brand and tastes bad it’s on sale and there’s a coupon for it.

After spending $250 but saving $125, Coupon Man left the last grocery story for one more mission.

The last stop was the furniture store downtown. I had to order a new leather top for the office table. Seems it doesn’t hold up too well to the quick slashing cutter of the Coupon Man.

Once back home it took over an hour to unload and trudge all the super deals into the house. The Wife was waiting, took one look at the huge pile on the kitchen floor and asked, “What are we going to do with four boxes of Pampers? We don’t have any babies.”

“It was a great deal, not only were the diapers two for one, but I had a dollar-off coupon.”

The Wife smiled and patted me on the head. “I’ll help you take this stuff back. The Pampers we’ll keep. The way you’re losing it – it won’t be long until we’ll need them.”