The Jelly Bean Diet

The scourge has once again descended upon us all, coating everything with a fine, gritty layer of yellow. My black Lab has magically turned into a yellow Lab. When the wind blows, a cloud of yellow almost blots out the sun. And the simple act of breathing is not so simple anymore.

Yes, dear reader, it’s springtime in our fair county, and the pollen index is already off the charts, but all is not lost.

It’s also jelly bean season, and the new crop is in. I have it on good authority all the beans are salmonella-free. Luck for us, because it would be hard to be on the Jelly Bean Diet without the main staple of the jelly bean. Never heard of such a diet? Let me be the first to explain.

I’m sure you’ve heard the old saying that an apple a day keeps the doctor away. Well, they make apple-flavored jelly beans. If one keeps the doctor away, just think how much healthier you will be after gobbling down a whole handful of apple jelly beans.

That’s not all: they’ve turned bananas, peaches, oranges and just about any other fruit into jelly beans. Even though the orange ones weren’t navels – yes, I checked – they’re still mighty tasty. And a handful supplied me with a full day of vitamin C.

The jelly bean is a bean; otherwise, they would call it something else. Like a banana.

Beans are loaded with protein and fiber, both of which are good for you. Unfortunately, eating too many beans in one sitting can have adverse effects on one’s gastrointestinal system, something not too pleasant for anyone who happens to be near you — like The Wife.

This is not so with the jelly bean. Feel free to eat as many as you want. There will be no gastrointestinal side effects. Although, over time, depending on how many are consumed, there may be a little expansion.

Some jelly beans are even sugar-free, but I don’t know why. Eating sugar-free jelly beans is akin to drinking tea without the sugar. Not only is it not natural. It’s just plain unhealthy.

I guess they make them for those folks from up North. Maybe those jelly bean people can make some of the sugar-free ones taste like grits. That way we can hand them out to all the Northerners that ask, “Hey, what’s a grit?”

After being on the Jelly Bean Diet for a month, you may notice there’s a bit more of you in the bathroom mirror. You may even start to think that it’s time to put down that jar of jelly beans, walk away, and do something really silly — like working out to get back into shape.

When you feel that urge, I have the perfect answer for you. Just smile at the reflection in the mirror, walk right back to that multi-colored jar of joy and grab a handful.

Being round IS a shape, after all, and happiness is a fistful of jelly beans.